Consultation

At this time I am not providing consultation. However, I feel that I have written enough blog posts that you should be able to use my techniques for any problems that you might be wishing to have consultation on. I will give you a little guidance in terms of which blog posts are applicable for certain types of problems. We will start off with my reference material for traits of BPD. If your problem relates to another subject, just scroll down until you find the heading for the type of blog posts that you feel may help you.

Information About Traits of BPD

Although I do not write about the condition of borderline personality disorder, what I do write about are the personality traits that are associated with BPD. This particular cluster of personality traits is not unique to those who have BPD. On the contrary, they are a cluster of behavioral traits that is very common in women and even a few men. But these are universal personality traits, so although they may not be too noticeable in all of us, we all can relate to them.

These traits do not cause too many problems when they are in their most common or mild form. But those who have a strong presentation of this cluster of traits have a tendency to engage in the same similar behavior patterns of those with borderline personality disorder, although only in their romantic relationships. But just because a person has the same cluster of personality traits that someone with BPD has it does not mean they have the disorder.

Remember that BPD is a serious medical condition that encompasses far more than the behavior patterns these individuals engage in within romantic relationships. It is not these traits alone that cause the condition of BPD nor do these traits mean that a person will develop this disorder. But because those who have a strong presentation of these traits tend to engage in the same type of behavior patterns within their relationships, we will be referring those these individuals as those with traits of BPD.

The reason I can easily talk and you can easily understand these personality traits is because every single one of us possesses them at least to a small extent. My blog posts on this subject will allow you to recognize these all too human tendencies in either yourself or in those you have known throughout your life. Once you recognize these traits in yourself and others you will be able to see the effect a strong presentation of these traits will predictably have in romantic relationships.

Although these traits are found in many functional individuals who do not have BPD, when the traits cause them to engage in behaviors similar to those with BPD within their romantic relationships, romantic partners can experience the same level of pain that a partner of someone with the actual disorder would have felt. Therefore you are going to find quite a few blog posts on the subject that are meant to give you the motivations behind these very confusing behavior patterns.

Most of my blog posts about traits of BPD are geared towards helping those who have experienced painful BPD breakups. You will find that the key to finding closure for one of these very painful breakups with partners with traits of BPD is gaining a strong understanding of what made your partner act as they did. This will allow you to make the separations needed in order to recognize all of the behaviors that you were unjustly blamed for. When you release yourself from the blame that was unfairly put on you and when you recognize that all of the behaviors that you experienced had reasonable, if not functional explanations, you will be able to find the closure necessary to put this breakup behind you.

Because it is very common for nice guy types to be drawn into relationships with those with traits of BPD, I have also written a great deal about the nice guy personality type. Please be aware that I do not use the common definition of a nice guy which refers to a person with strong codependent tendencies.

There certainly are some codependent individuals who end up in relationships with partners with traits of BPD, but the usual combination is with a person who simply has a nice guy type of personality, someone who has very little fear of intimacy and simply enjoys doing good deeds for all of the healthy reasons that make people want to contribute to society. You will find that being able to understand both your and your partner’s motivation can be a very effective way of shortening the time it takes to heal from a BPD break up.

For blog posts related to relationships with those with traits of BPD, you can find the magnifying glass icon at the very top of this page and type in “BPD”. You will see a comprehensive list of blog posts to choose from.

Difficult In-Laws

Another topic that has many people searching for answers is the topic of controlling or manipulative in-laws. Although many readers want to understand the motivation behind their in-law’s troubling behavior, most people just want it to stop. In my blog post related to controlling in-laws you will learn a very simple technique based on what actually motivates in-laws to act in a controlling way. Because the dynamics of in-laws and adult children are very predictable, we can use the motivations behind the controlling behavior to stop the negative behavior patterns.

Although one blog post cannot take on all of the variations of the controlling in-law theme, you will find in the comments section many questions pertaining to specific situations to which I have offered solutions. If you have a situation that you feel has not been addressed in the blog or comments section, feel free to put your details into a comment, and I will be happy to respond. Here is a link for the blog post related to controlling in-laws: Difficult In-Laws

Emotional Abuse

A very important section of the Nicola Method blog talks about emotional abuse and how to stop it. Like many of the other subjects I talk about, the solution to this seemingly unsolvable problem becomes quite clear once we recognize the personality trait that causes us to feel pain when we are being emotionally abused. To solve this problem we need to look not at the behavior of the abuser, but at our extraordinary vulnerability in this area that the emotional abuser so easily takes advantage of.

Unfortunately, the techniques you will be learning that stop emotional abuse will not heal the abuser and will not rescue a relationship lost due to this addictive behavior pattern. But being able to locate the sensitivity that each of us possesses that allows people to so easily hurt us and then to use that awareness to stop the abuser in their tracks can give a person who may feel weak and helpless the power they need to make important decisions about their relationships. It can have a profound effect on the choice to enter emotionally abusive situations in the future.

To locate my four-part series on emotional abuse, type in How To Stop Emotional Abuse into the magnifying glass icon at the very top of this page and begin with part one. Because understanding the unique dynamics of emotional abuse is a very important part of stopping this destructive behavior pattern, you will want to start at the beginning and work your way through the entire four part series.

Just as with my other blog posts, if you are in a situation that you feel differs from what I have written about, feel free to leave a comment with details, and I will get back to you with my thoughts on how to adjust these techniques to fit your situation.

Female Anger

Just like many of the other subjects that I write about, female anger is something that we have all experienced, either in ourselves or in family members, friends or relationship partners. All we need to do to understand this form of emotionality is to become acquainted with the common cluster of personality traits that we associate with female behavior. Each of these hidden traits are clearly predictive of the behavior patterns that we have in the past been told must remain a mystery of human nature.

When you read the blog posts on female anger you will not only learn easy techniques that reverse female anger, based on these personality traits, but you will also be able to let go of any confusion around the behavior pattern of female anger you may have either experience in yourself or in others.

For blog posts related to female anger, you can locate the magnifying glass icon at the very top of this page and type in “Anger”. You can then choose from whatever blog posts seem relevant to your situation.

The Nicola Method Workbook

Because there are many people in relationships with individuals whose partners have very light traits of BPD or who for financial reasons or because they have very young children choose not to leave a partner with traits of BPD, I have written a guide book that allows a partner of a person with traits of BPD to try to rehabilitate them.

For those who feel they have clearly good reasons to stay, there are techniques that can regulate the emotions of individuals with traits of BPD which over time can give them the skills they need to overcome their fear of betrayal that causes many of the destructive behaviors associated with traits of BPD in romantic relationships.

Unfortunately these techniques, though often successful, may take a year or more of applying these techniques, sometimes many times a day, and during the rehabilitation period the healthy partner will not be getting their needs met. Therefore these techniques are only recommended for those with very light traits of BPD or for those who don’t feel leaving their relationship is an option.

Please be aware that this workbook will not work to rehabilitate partners who cannot remain faithful, those who have chemical dependency, who engage in destructive behaviors outside of the relationship or who have been diagnosed with BPD.