Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection
In this blog post we will be addressing one of the more complex behavior patterns associated with BPD, or borderline personality disorder. The behavior pattern we will be looking at is commonly known as projection. Although you may not have recognized this defense mechanism in your relationship with a woman with traits of BPD, there is a good chance you did notice something quite strange.
At some point it probably would have occurred to you that all of the unfounded accusations your partner was making about you were actually a description of the behaviors that she herself had engaged in. She may have continually labeled you as selfish while behaving very selfishly herself. Or she may have accused you of being attracted to other women when it was actually her who engaged in flirting with others.
Perhaps she told you that you betrayed her trust in ways that in retrospect you could see were clearly describing her behavior patterns and not yours. And the chances are very likely that she accused you of not caring about her when clearly she was the one neglecting your needs.
Most men who become involved with women with traits of BPD find that the accusations they receive are actually clear examples of their partner’s behavior patterns. And in many cases the accusations are the direct opposite of anything they would ever do.
The combination of being accused of things one would never do and a partner who herself engages in these behaviors can throw an individual trying to recover from a breakup into a state of confusion that can last months or even years.
Many men, unable to make sense of the defense mechanism that causes their partner to project their negative tendencies onto others, find themselves struggling to appropriately assign the blame for these behaviors. And not being able to get out from under the layers of guilt projected on them can leave them without the ability to gain the closure necessary to move on from one of these relationships.
Although the defense mechanism of accusing others of something one is guilty of may seem very confusing from the outside, just like any other behavior pattern that women with traits of BPD engage in there is a clear and comprehensible explanation for it. We find that most of these patterns are nothing more than an extreme version of common defense mechanisms that all human beings engage in from time to time.
But before we begin to identify the universal behavioral traits that all humans share which when taken to the extreme can produce defense mechanisms like projection, we must first define what we mean by that term.
Defining BPD Projection
The behavior pattern of projection that so many women with traits of BPD engage in is a common pattern for all people. It can generally be defined as the transferring of one’s own perceptions onto another. We might imagine it as the act of placing an invisible movie screen in front of the person we are interacting with that allows us to project our own feelings, thoughts or beliefs onto them.
There are many reasons a person might jump to the conclusion that another person thinks and feels the same way they do. Many people project their way of thinking about things onto others quite innocently. After all, it’s very easy to assume that others see the world in the same way we do.
People may also use projection with a slightly less innocent intent. When we suspect that another person’s thoughts or beliefs are at odds with our own, we may choose to ignore what they say and instead assure ourselves that their thinking is just like ours to avoid having to closely inspect our views.
Many of our belief systems are formed without our awareness, usually from an event in the past or from traditional ways of thinking that were taught to us when we were very young. When our brains sense that a fragile or unexamined belief system has been challenged, the defense mechanism of projection may be triggered to alleviate the feeling of uneasiness that accompanies the exposure of this hidden vulnerability.
When we use this somewhat mild form of projecting our beliefs onto others it can be irritating and annoying to those around us. After all, when we dismiss or ignore their beliefs, they are bound to feel unheard and unseen. But there are also much less benign ways in which people use projection.
Individuals may use projection in order to cope with uncomfortable shame-based emotions. Although we may not be aware of the exact mechanics, we can easily observe that when human beings experience uncomfortable feelings of shame, they seem to be able to obtain relief by offloading those feelings onto others. Because women with traits of BPD have natural heightened insecurities that can make them feel bad about themselves, they frequently use this defense mechanism.
Although you may now have a general sense of how this defense mechanism works, before we enter the complex world of projection, we will need to take a brief moment to define a few more terms we will be using to try to simplify this very complex subject matter.
What Are Traits of BPD
BPD is often recognized by behavior patterns that stem from a certain combination of personality traits that cause extra emotional sensitivity. These personality traits may or may not lead to the development of the disorder, depending on how strong the personality traits are and what kind of environment the individual was raised in.
With some exceptions, the personality traits that make people susceptible to BPD are actually a very common cluster of traits associated with female behavior. Although not many women who possess this common cluster of traits would qualify for a diagnosis of BPD, those with more pronounced traits may be susceptible to using the very same defense mechanisms women with the disorder use in their romantic relationships.
Because romantic rejection is known to produce heightened feelings of rejection even in otherwise insensitive human beings, it is no surprise that romantic relationships can easily set off defense mechanisms that result in the same kind of negative behavior patterns seen in those who do qualify for the diagnosis.
Let’s take a quick look at the cluster of behavioral traits that can cause negative behaviors in women anywhere on the spectrum of BPD whether they qualify for the diagnosis of the disorder or not.
Although behavioral traits cannot be classified in a literal sense in the way a physical trait can, we can roughly categorize this cluster into three separate traits that when combined cause behavior patterns associated with the disorder.
The first trait often attributed to BPD might be described as a strong urge to bond romantically. The second trait could be described as a strong sensitivity to social rejection. The third trait associated with BPD-related behavior in relationship is a high setting of emotionality.
These personality traits in a mild form can be helpful in promoting bonding in romantic relationships. In fact, it is this cluster of traits that so often creates the emotional glue that bonds couples so strongly together. But if these personality traits are too pronounced they may trigger the set of defense mechanisms associated with BPD even in women who are otherwise healthy and stable.
Too much of the urge to bond can foster a tendency to idealize the relationship. Early idealization often leads to later devaluation as the idealized partner must eventually fall from their pedestal. Just a little fear of rejection can keep a partner in line. But too much fear will cause a partner to shy away from true intimacy and can trigger protective defense mechanisms that push away a partner who gets too close.
We know that high emotionality can cause even the most rational person to lose touch with reality. Those who are consistently launched into a highly emotional state will struggle to maintain the necessary adherence to reason and rationality necessary to create the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Now that you have a basic understanding of how traits associated with BPD can cause emotional sensitivity in romantic relationships that trigger defense mechanisms, let’s take a look at how projection as a defense mechanism works.
How Defensive Projection Works
Projection is actually a form of blame-shifting, which is a very common defense mechanism. It is such a common occurrence in human beings that it can be seen even in very young children. We are all aware of the proverbial question of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar where the guilty child when asked who stole the cookie will point to the nearest person.
Blame-shifting is a natural defense that allows us to avoid having to feel shame, an emotion that is very difficult for all human beings to tolerate. Projection is basically a more complex version of blame-shifting. The child who blames another for stealing the cookies knows they stole them. But a person who projects is not aware that they are lying.
A woman whose traits of BPD are very pronounced or who had a particularly negative upbringing can use projection in a way that on the outside may make her appear truly psychotic. If she has very pronounced traits she can literally accuse her partner of actions he has just seen her take while simultaneously denying her own involvement.
Because it is difficult to track this defense mechanism we won’t start with an extreme example of projection. Instead we will be addressing some of the less complex forms of the defense mechanism of projection seen in any individual as well as in women with traits of BPD.
The first kind of projection we will be looking at is what we might call historical projection. This is a form of defense mechanism that almost everyone engages in from time to time. Historical projection consists of projecting emotions from our past onto a person who is evoking those memories in the present.
Historical Projection
Historical projection can happen to us any time an experience in the present reminds of an experience in the past. It can be as simple as talking to a person who has a facial feature that reminds us of someone else with the same feature.
If we had strong feelings about that person in the past, we may very well superimpose those feelings onto the person in the present. Some people use historical projection in a broader sense. They may have had bad childhood experiences which they project onto all of the people they meet in the future.
Historical projection is very common in romantic relationships of all kinds. It usually takes the form of projecting one’s parents’ negative qualities onto our present-day partner when their behavior reminds us of a painful aspect of our childhood.
Although historical projection often jams up the works when it comes to clear communication, our brain’s ability to instantaneously project harmful qualities in a person from the past onto those who are exhibiting similar behaviors in the present can be understood as a primitive but effective way to ensure we take immediate action to protect ourselves from getting hurt.
The way women with traits of BPD use historical projection is the same way the average person uses it, but they may take it to a much further extreme because of their natural sensitivities to personal rejection. Let’s take a look at an example of a woman with traits of BPD using historical projection to cope with leftover feelings from a negative aspect of her childhood.
We’ll use an imaginary scenario with a husband and wife who we’ll call Ellen and George. Ellen and George are planning a vacation. A few days before they leave Ellen mentions that she is uncomfortable going on the trip because she believes George is going to get drunk and ruin their good time. George is completely taken aback by this accusation because he is a very light drinker and has never gotten drunk on vacation before. In fact, it is actually his wife who has a real problem with alcohol and has ruined many vacations with her drunken behavior.
In this scenario, Ellen’s father was an alcoholic, and when she was a child he would regularly ruin the family’s good times by getting drunk and acting out. With an alcoholic as a parent it is no surprise that Ellen would herself end up with a drinking problem as an adult. But even though she is following her father’s footsteps, she cannot help but relive that fear that her father would ruin the vacation.
Projecting her father’s behavior from her childhood onto her husband allows her to protect herself from the event ever recurring. Sadly, as is the case with most defense mechanisms, although the person using the defense may feel temporary relief from hidden fears, because the person being accused is innocent, the projection only adds another layer of conflict to the relationship.
Now we are going to look at another form of projection that is common for all people but very frequently used by women with traits of BPD.
One of the more interesting aspects of human neurology is the understanding that the human brain will act instinctively to protect itself from feelings of guilt. Or to put it simply, our brains seem to prefer to interpret our motivations behind our actions as more virtuous than they really are.
A helpful way to explain our natural aversion to guilt is by closely examining certain aspects of the brain’s defense system. We know that each of us has a primitive part of our brain which reflexively responds to any physical attack we may encounter. But you may not know that our brains have similar mechanisms in place to protect us from any psychological threat we may encounter as well.
Now let’s take a look at how our defensive brain might perceive a guilty thought. Feelings of guilt could be described as the belief that we did something that we should feel bad about. Our intellectual processing center is capable of differentiating between emotional pain we should feel in order to learn from and pain that we should protect ourselves from. But our more primitive defensive control center has only one mission, and that is to protect us from emotional pain.
We may never be able to track in a literal sense the way our brain copes with the paradoxical concept of guilt, but we can observe that when faced with guilt, our defensive control center often employs the tactic of searching for something or someone else to transfer that guilt to.
For the sake of simplicity we will be calling the defense mechanism that gets us to transfer the need to inflict pain on ourselves for wrongdoing onto others guilt projection. Let’s now take a closer look at how guilt projection works.
Guilt Projection
When a person engages in this form of projection, the process often begins with a pang of guilt. For example, we may be driving to an important meeting. Although we should have given ourselves plenty of time, we got distracted somewhere along the way to the front door, and now we are clearly going to be late.
There is no one but ourselves to blame, but when the cars in front of us start to slow down, our defensive center may recognize a potential opportunity to offload the uncomfortable feelings of guilt which it perceives as an attack against itself. At this point it might feed in a thought to us that suggests that it is these bad drivers that are making us late and if only they would stop lollygagging we would all get where we need to be on time.
Seconds after feeling our first pang of guilt, we may feel a rush of anger as we project the attack that was going to be directed at ourselves onto an innocent driver. These pangs of guilt followed by relief-promoting rushes of anger can be directed at anyone even remotely connected to our guilty behavior.
We may just as easily blame our spouse for not getting out of the bathroom sooner knowing we had this important meeting. Or we may blame our child for not being able to find their socks soon enough while getting ready for school. We may even blame our boss for scheduling an unreasonably early meeting.
Most of us use guilt projection occasionally, but we usually keep our misplaced blame to ourselves and forget about it once we have achieved the temporary relief we were looking for. But women with traits of BPD have a tendency to express their anger at the person who they are projecting onto. Although guilt projection is not one of the most destructive forms of projection, when it becomes chronic, partners can suffer greatly.
The next form of projection we will look at occurs frequently with insecure individuals of all kinds. And since insecurity is the driving force behind most of the negative behaviors associated with BPD, this form of projection is very likely to be present in one of these relationships. The type of projection we are going to be discussing next we will label insecurity projection. It is a type of projection where one person projects their insecurities onto another.
Insecurity Projection
People who are insecure, in order to avoid feelings of weakness caused by their oversensitivity to personal rejection, may use the defense mechanism of projection. In order to get relief from their weakness, they try to make others experience the same feelings they are trying to avoid. This common behavior pattern is often referred to as bullying.
Many women with traits of BPD engage in insecurity projection because of their natural sensitivity to personal rejection. But the path that this bullying behavior takes inside the mind of the woman with traits of BPD is anything but straight. Let’s now take a look at the complex mechanics behind it.
There are usually one of two reasons why any individual might feel inferior in relation to another person. If we closely observe the interaction that makes one person feel inferior to another we will find that either the offending person did something to oppress or belittle them or that the offended person was already feeling inferior, and the other person’s actions merely triggered their pre-existing fears of being perceived that way.
In order to determine whether feelings of inferiority are caused by another person’s actions or by one’s own fears being triggered, it is necessary to take a step back and look at the situation objectively. But because one of the traits of BPD is a very high setting of emotionality, women with BPD usually find themselves unable to assess any emotionally-charged situation with objectivity. Instead, when a woman with traits of BPD is feeling insecure, a very interesting phenomenon occurs.
We have all heard of two extreme forms of psychological defense that our brains are capable of performing under extreme duress. One of them is referred to as splitting. When we are undergoing trauma, our brain seems to be capable of splitting itself into what we might call different entities. The other form of defense is a type of amnesia. After psychological trauma we know that the brain is capable of erecting amnesic walls around memories to limit or contain emotional pain associated with the incident.
Although both of these psychological mechanisms may seem quite extreme, there is a more subtle use of splitting and of amnesic barriers that takes place during times of everyday stress that are not linked to trauma which all of us use from time to time.
Our brain is capable of going through a more subtle process of splitting where it uses an amnesic barrier to hide behind so it can work behind the scenes to get us to take immediate action when it senses a potential attack from the outside.
Once our defense center has split itself off and surrounded itself with an amnesic barrier so we don’t know it’s there, it can manipulate us into taking action that our intellectual processing center might not think is necessary. The way it does this is by feeding in thoughts or images that influence our emotions in a way that will spur us to action to protect ourselves from things others may say or imply that would cause us pain.
We will also find that the defensive control center is capable of placing temporary amnesic barriers around thoughts, beliefs and even memories that it believes may cause us pain or discomfort. Most of us refer to this psychological phenomenon as denial.
Let’s take a look now at how the defensive control center in a woman with traits of BPD, on heightened alert to impending rejection due to insecurity, might begin to feed her thoughts that suggest that it is her partner who is insecure, not her.
Sensing her vulnerability to rejection, her defensive control center can split off and begin what we might label a smear campaign on her innocent partner. It will do whatever it can to convince her that he is the one that is weak and cowardly, not her.
In response to these thoughts being fed to her from her defense center, unaware that she is being manipulating into devaluing her partner, she will verbalize the demeaning accusations. Interestingly enough, the woman with traits of BPD is often as much in the dark as her partner as to the reasons for her inappropriate behavior.
Insecurity projection is very complex, but there is a variation of BPD projection that is even more difficult to track. Let’s now take a look at a form of projection that is used almost exclusively by those with traits of BPD. The form of projection we will be addressing will be labeled black and white projection.
Black and White Projection
Many people are aware of a tendency associated with BPD called black and white thinking where an individual with this disorder will either see their partner as perfect or as no good at all. Although this is certainly a very confusing behavior pattern, it can be most easily understood when seen through the lens of projection.
What we will discover when we look closely at this behavior pattern is that although it may seem that it is the partner of a woman with BPD who must be perfect in order to not be seen as worthless, the devaluation of her partner is actually a projection of how the woman with traits of BPD feels about herself.
With an extreme sensitivity to being judged negatively, the only way she can escape her fear that if she is not perfect she will be judged as worthless is to always see herself as perfect. And convincing herself and others that she is perfect is a defense mechanism in itself that many partners of women with traits of BPD have observed.
But most women with traits of BPD don’t stop there. Using black and white projection, they shift the focus from their fear of being rejected if they are not perfect onto their unsuspecting partner. By projecting the standards she sets for herself onto her partner, a woman with traits of BPD can obtain temporary relief from the fear that it could happen to her.
As we track the process by which black and white projection takes place we must remember that defense mechanisms cannot work unless the person being manipulated is unaware they are being manipulated. In order to get her to take the action that will transfer the fear of rejection onto her partner, the defensive control center must either feed her outright lies about her partner or a greatly exaggerated view of any faults her partner may have.
She will not be aware that the thoughts and images that are fueling her dislike of her partner are being fed to her for the purpose of getting her to unload her anxiety. All she will experience is an overwhelming urge to express her contempt along with the relief that follows.
Now that you have a clearer understanding of some very complex forms of projection, we are ready to address the most extreme and difficult to track of all the variations on this defense mechanism. This form of projection can be utterly devastating in relationships with women with extreme traits of BPD, and it is often what brings these relationships to an end. We will call this form of projection direct projection.
Direct Projection
Although most irrational behaviors that women with traits of BPD engage in have surprisingly rational explanations, direct projection is a behavior pattern that is blatantly irrational. Direct projection basically consists of a woman with traits of BPD relieving herself of the obligation to be rational.
Although few of us are aware of it, human beings have a very specific unspoken social code of behavior that is just as important in our everyday life as our codified system of laws. And behaving in a rational way with each other is a cornerstone of this unspoken code.
A commitment to rational behavior is the foundation for all interpersonal communication. Without rationality, we become completely socially dysfunctional. However, there is an interesting exception to this golden rule.
If people share an irrational belief or belief system either through their culture, their religion or even through a shared family belief, rationality can be suspended in that area and functional communication can take place among those who share the irrational belief system. But aside from this exception, a hold on rationality is a social necessity.
Women with traits of BPD have a slightly different neurological setup than the rest of the population. Their naturally high emotionality can send them into what is called emotional dysregulation fairly easily. Emotional dysregulation is another word for a neurological state that all humans get into from time to time. It is the state of heightened emotions which can cause even the most reasonable among us to become temporarily irrational.
Although most of us return to our senses fairly soon after we become dysregulated, a woman with traits of BPD may remain in a state of dysregulated irrationality for days or weeks at a time. If she has been in a heightened emotional state towards her partner for an extended period she may let go of the need to hold on to reality.
Because we do not talk about the unspoken code of social conduct that demands we be rational in our dealings with others, it is very easy for women with more extreme traits of BPD to simply dismiss the need to be rational. When a women with extreme traits of BPD releases herself from the necessity to act rationally she may project directly.
In other words, whatever inappropriate thing she is doing or wishing to do, she will feel free to outright accuse her partner of doing if it gives her relief. Because these accusations are utterly irrational, as both partners know she is the guilty person, they may seem at the time like psychotic behavior.
Let’s take a few examples of direct projection. When women with traits of BPD find themselves drawn to other people, they often project their own temptation onto their partners. The angrier and more accusatory they get at their innocent partner, the less shame they feel over their own wish to cheat. This is why we often find that outrageous accusations of an innocent partner by a woman with extreme traits of BPD can be a sign that she herself is engaging in infidelity.
When a woman with traits of BPD is feeling guilty or ashamed of her bad parenting, she may let go of the obligation to be rational and go directly to the behavior that gives her relief. This will often consist of accusing her partner of the negative behavior towards the child that she is herself displaying. Without the constraints of rationality, she can assign even the most unlikely aspect of her behavior to her partner.
Direct projection where a woman with traits of BPD abdicates herself from the responsibility of rationality to get relief from shameful feelings will lead to profound dysfunction in her relationship. A complete lack of commitment to rational behavior is a level of freedom from boundaries that no relationship can withstand.
When women with traits of BPD allow themselves to act outside of the bounds of rationality, they leave their partners feeling terrified and desperate. Although these women may not be labeled psychotic because their break from reality is a more of a self-motivated declaration of freedom from social constraints rather than an unconscious episode, the results can be similarly disastrous.
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
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Hi, can you please send me info. Abour thses situations in BP in men. My BP husband and I have been separated for 2 mos now. He’s been craying a lot and stating at lease twice a week how he is better off dead and how I would be better off without him, he continues to call himself a piece of shit…..
How serious do I take these situations. He is soooo negative.
Thanks in advance, Tonee
Tonee, I haven’t done any research on men with BPD. My understandings are most applicable to women who may not have the diagnosable condition but are on the BPD spectrum. But generally speaking their feelings are quite real and suicide is always a very real possibility for those who have the disorder.
Are women with high traits of BPD usually very big hypocrits. My fiance and I have been together for 8 years. Her children are quite younger than mine and when we got together my children were in their late teens. Our troubles started when she would completely disagree with my parenting decisions. Usually this disagreement ended in an almost brawl. name calling as ” your kids are trash” and so on. Now her children are at the age mine were then. I now see her doing the EXACT parenting I did, but now that its her, decisions they are are correct. Another question, Is it common for women with high traits of BPD to value her family more important than their partners. thanks for your time. I am starting to get a handle and finally see whats going on. Your blogs are extremely helpful
Steve
Steve, what is causing all of the negative behaviors you describe your fiancé engaging in is her defensive nature. She is criticizing you because she feels unsafe unless she is feeling superior to you. She is fighting with you because she perceives neutral behavior as an threatening. Actual differences in opinion feel like attacks to her. She will fight in order to restore a feeling of equality which she can only achieve if she feels superior to you.
She is hypocritical because of her high emotionality. Because feelings feel like reality to her, her feeling of self-righteousness when her kids were younger seemed accurate to her. But as soon as her feelings change, as they now are because her kids are engaging in that same behavior, she will only be able to experience her present righteousness even if it contradicts her previous state of belief. If you were to confront her on hypocritical thinking she would go back to being defensive and perceive you as attacking her.
Individuals with strong traits of BPD who are untreated don’t tend to necessarily value their children over a new mate’s children. They may, however, use their relationship with their children as a way to punish a new mate.
This happened to me. A girlfriend with a kid that I adored, began using her daughter against me at a certain point in the relationship. It was a “convenient” maneuver in to dysfunction. She took control, since she would cross lines in front of her daughter that I could not. She was the surprised as the relationsship imploded and she fled, thinking that I was an abuser that did less than the bare minimum. When I explained my distance to her – saying I had to pick my battles for her daughters sake – I got lots of expletives and further pushing away that was “my fault”. I cannot tell you how beside myself I was.
As It is right now we have barely spoken in 3 weeks. I have told her when she is ready to move forward and get counseling with me, to contact me. She calls every two or three days to inform me she is un decided about our relationship and that I would have to wait it out to see what she decides she wants to do. This is a woman that has a hard time making a decision about the simplest things. Therefore she always consults her younger sister for guidance and opinion. We have made decisions together before and she always consults her sister even after we have talked about it. Her sister is about the same in decision making and mental status she is in my opinion. Both are horrible with money also. I feel she always has to feel she has control and this behavior only fuels her control desires.
Glad I found this blog. My GF apparently is BPD…I spent a lot of time reading typical blogs about women and common relationship issues but this blog is so clear and concise because the issues is a lot more complex than typical human behavior.
My GF is very hypocritical and seems to project everything onto me. Nothing is ever good enough for her, she uses average understandable human mistakes that I commite to make me feel like the biggest screw up ever, and then when I DO do something right, she seems to not acknowledge it or she finds a flaw in it. She always has me running on a wheel like a mouse. Every time I don’t do something perfectly, she says things like… “another failure! you can’t do anything right”
Mean while, if I was viewing her under the same lens that she views me, I would find a TON more flaws or “Screw ups” but I don’t view the world in this light . For instance, yesterday she forgot my glasses. Me being a loving and understanding partner, I didn’t have a huge issue with it. If the role was reverse, I would be the biggest scum of the earth. Etc;. I’ve tried this approach, treating her the way she treats me…and it just doesn’t work. She does mental gymnastics to avoid coming to terms. If I asked her to get my glasses today, she would probably tell me i’m selfish and that I should have not left them at her place. In a sense, she is right, however, I can’t imagine a situation where she would admit fault.
Sometimes i’m completely in awe and wonder if she truly believes what she is saying. Is it possible for a woman with BPD to have the ability to come to terms with their behavior if they want to? My GF cheated on me and lied to me for MONTHS while accusing me, in pure rage and aggression and passion, that I was the one projecting onto her. I really feel she believed this from the bottom of her heart. However, when I found all undeniable evidence, the curtains came down and she finally admitted in that moment that she cheated on me. However, eventually over time she downplayed her intent and made it seem as if I was to blame.
When I call her out on her engaging in the same behavior that she, she finds every excuse to make sure she doesn’t admit to any wrong doing. She will literally twist and manipulate it anyway possible. But when it’s the other way around, there are no excuses allowed.
Now, she is physically hitting me if I say something she doesn’t like. For instance, yesterday I made a comment about cigarettes to her brother. Her brother does not want his kids to know he smokes and the kids almost overheard. My GF became enraged, while her brother was completely fine, she called me dumb/stupid and punched my stomach.
What i’m trying to ask is…is BPD curable? Is it stupid of me to now accept her behavior of abuse because she has a very real mental condition? The problem is, I think I have issues as well.
I don’t know what to do.
PJ, it is irrelevant that she has psychological issues. All abusers have psychological issues. But because emotional and particularly physical abuse are so damaging to partners that they are advised to leave the relationship. I truly do not believe that anyone who cares about you would ever support you staying with someone who is physically and emotionally abusive.
If you are having difficulty getting in touch with the boundaries that every one of us must have that would not allow you to be mistreated by someone who is supposed to love you, you may need to seek help in the form of counseling. Being with someone with traits of BPD is very confusing. But please be aware that the escalation of abuse that you are experiencing will continue and the consequences can be life-threatening with a BPD partner.
People with this condition may seek help, but the condition itself usually keeps them from being able to face the guilt from the pain they are causing to others. They tend to stay locked into a cycle of abuse with partner after partner.
Hi Joanna and other contributors
Joanna your descriptions and explanations of this awful (for both sufferer and those close to them) disorder are the clearest and most useful I have read.
Over the course of a year I was sliced and diced emotionally by a relationship with a woman with BPD traits. I have come to acknowledge that she didnt damage me – I remained and returned repeatedly to a “relationship” that damaged me. She never made me be there, in fact she repeatedly left me but I returned. On my return she’d reward me with beautiful, delicious tidbits and my addiction grew.
I have subsequently read about the power of intermittent reward. Rats are much more powerfully conditioned (addicted) when rewards are not regular. If the reward is irregular their brains keep hoping for more despite long spells of deprivation. They take much longer to give up and their anxiety increases commensurately. This is certainly what happened to me. I became a pathetic servant of an emotionally ruthless mistress.
Part of the bizarreness is that in lucid moments she knew that she was abusing me. She said I should find someone healthy and very occasionally apologised for her behaviour. Interestingly she could be wonderfully empathetic about problems in my life that didnt involve her, I assume because she didnt, in these situations, feel in any way exposed or vulnerable and, better still, would have felt worthy and kind, a relief from the feelings of being bad that BPDs feel. This super-empathy was another deeply alluring component of her behaviour.
The lady in question is highly intelligent and physically beautiful, which together with her BP make her even more dangerous. Dangerous to others and to herself. I think she was emotionally badly abused by her narcissistic Mother because of her beauty, and later used her attractiveness and exquisite understanding of human attraction to hook a litany of men, many of whom were themselves highly abusive.
There is something of the archetypal female that she projects – the siren. She comes across as vulnerable, full of stories of her victimhood (many no doubt true) appealing I suppose to the would-be hero in the insecure male. She can dance and sing beautifully , is an extraordinarily talented artist. But this beautiful vulnerability is the quintessential steel fist in a velvet glove.
I know a guy who had no problem spending time with her (friends with benefits kind of relationship) because he is highly resistant to attachment and simply treated her as a plaything. Seemed to suit them both. Perhaps that is the best kind of relationship for her, but I could tell she yearns for more.
So she gets by by taking no less than 5 psychiatric drugs and sometimes six when she uses valium for anxiety. Heavily sedates herself at night, I suppose to switch off from the painwreck of her life.
She claims she is treated for bipolar, although she dropped many hints that indicated she is aware she has BPD. I am concerned she has pulled the wool over her psych’s eyes and that she has not received specific treatment for BPD ? I wonder if in 10 years it’s possible that a psychiatrist could have missed the borderline issues ?? Perhaps because not being in a “love” relationship he’s not encountered them much. I’m thinking I should write him a letter and describe what happened to me to help ensure she gets the appropriate therapy ?
She consigned me to the rubbish heap 5 months ago after I made it clear I was not happy with her emotional dismissiveness and cruelty. When I pathetically tried to convince her I was not being unreasonable she labelled me a narcissist and said she needed to go No Contact to enable closure and healing !!!!!! And this after beginning to circle back to a couple of her previous male interests, both of whom are strong alpha male types who enjoyed casual encounters with her.
I spent a year bending over backwards to help her with all kinds of issues in her life (I realise to generate my own feelings of self-worth) and now she’s depicting me as a horrible abuser who needs to be excised from her life like a tumour.
My God this has been painful.
Thanks for such an enlightening story, from the very helpful rat reward concept to the siren reference and the common misdiagnosis of these individuals. This kind of writing is very helpful in that it brings up so many different areas of discussion for those who have been through this painful ordeal.
I have been with my girlfriend for about a year. She moved in with me about three months ago and since then things have progressively gotten worse.
I knew something was different about her about two weeks in to our relationship. I pretty much immediately started reading on BPD and educated myself as much as possible.
Nothing I have practiced has worked for conflict resolution. Even some of your methods provided here. Time and space are the only two things that seem to diffuse any situation.
I am a very stoic, patient man, who is not easy to emotionally set off. I think this causes a lot of issues because I can simply be sitting in a chair, thinking, and have a very unemotional look on my face that my girlfriend always seems to interpret as “you are up to no good or you are mad.” If I simply say “nothing is wrong” she will reply with “you have a problem and you wont tell me.” She also claims she is very in tune with “feelings” even though 99% of her gut feelings are wrong. (Assuming i am dishonest, lying, cheating, etc). This concerns me because it raises red flags that she may be projecting and actually be cheating herself. I am curious if the odds that she is cheating are good or not even though I have never seen any evidence to support it. I do not think she has, but my gut feelings go off every time she accuses me. I am an honest “nice guy traits” man that will not let anyone push me around or get away with questioning my dignity or honor that I take very much pride in. So every time she makes an accusation I become highly defensive.
I have tried other tactics. Simply ignoring her remarks. Leaving the house or room. Asking “why do you feel that way.” Engaging in relaxed conversation. But its always one step forward and two steps back down the line.
I believe I am in the devaluation stage at the moment. She has gone from “sex anytime” and being highly affectionate to barely touching me and no desire for sex. In this time I have done nothing wrong other than attempt to talk to her about what the issue is. The issue never comes out, her defensives simply kick on and the blame is shifted over to me being the one with the issues.
Is there any way to repair this at this point? Is hoping to “get back to the good ole days” a lost cause? From everything I have read on this it seems that it may be best to just go our own ways. But every now and again i see a glimmer of hope that things may be looking up. And then we take two more steps back. My back is against the wall right now and I fear I have no choice but to end this relationship and move on.
It would take at least a year to bring her out of her devaluation of you and during this time you would not be getting your needs met. And if she is cheating or she has strong traits of BPD rehabilitation will not be possible. I usually do not recommend it unless the person is facing financial ruin with a divorce or if there are young children involved.
As with most nice guy types, you probably didn’t realize that the average person cannot control their emotions and their insecurities in the way that comes naturally to you. This means you were probably trying to find a partner who was as healthy as you are without recognizing how rare these relationship skills are. So you may need to come to grips with the fact that she never had your skill level nor the level of mental health that would be an appropriate match for you.
On the positive side, you are the type of person that a healthy partner would be very happy to find. But it’s necessary to have your radar up for those who are putting on a show in hopes to get what you are easily able to give without having to give the same back to you.
I’m unsure why you made this gender specific. Your analysis, knowledge or experience of bpd projection is incredibly accurate however, gender has absolutely nothing to do with it. Those on the other side of bpd projection might find specific traits, symptoms or emotional dysregulation of the pwbpd gender driven but the underlying issues are not gender specific. It’s very important for thats understood for a multitude of reasons. Bpd would have a separate diagnosis between gender if behaviours played out differently between gender, between individuals they do, not gender.