female anger in relationships

Reversing Female Anger In Relationships – Techniques For Men

Part 2 of Female Anger In Relationships

In Part 1 of the blog series Female Anger In Relationships we looked at what some men consider a double standard between men and women in romantic relationships.

Many men feel that women are perfectly comfortable blowing off steam at them while they are expected to walk on eggshells in order to not upset their sensitive wife or girlfriend.

Although many people might assume excess female anger in relationships is normal, they may not realize that one-sided anger and blame between two people is anything but benign.

female anger in relationships

In Part 1 we took a close look at this dynamic of female anger in relationships. We discovered that there is a very real explanation for why women feel the need to be protected from your criticism, while they are more than happy to dish it out. We looked at two contributing factors to their behavior that keep them in the dark about this unfair double standard. We learned that there are two common female personality traits that are often associated with chronic anger and blame.

The two common female traits are heightened emotionality and a heightened concern about the security of their romantic relationships. Although either of these two characteristics can cause friction in your relationship, the combination of the two can result in very real problems.

Let’s quickly review the behaviors that women with these two traits engage in and why they may not be aware of the damage they are causing.

Heightened Emotionality

High emotions carry with them a set of behaviors that is both very familiar to each of us and also very puzzling. High emotions seem to send us into a state where we are emotionally uninhibited and free. In this state we may say and do things that we later regret. Yet while we are under the influence of our strong emotions, we inexplicably believe that we are being completely rational and that there will be no negative consequences to our behavior.

Women who have naturally high emotionality may have real difficulties lowering their emotions for long enough to realize the harm or hurt they may be causing. Because high emotions often make us think we are right even when we are wrong, a woman who is continually on a roller coaster of high emotions may not be aware that she is hurting the one she loves.

Heightened Concern Over Relationship Security

The second common female trait often associated with anger and blame is a compelling wish to make sure her relationship is not being threatened. This hypervigilance can lead to fear and suspicion of your commitment. If your wife or girlfriend is an independent type, she may not be comfortable with the feeling of insecurity that might accompany her need to get continual assurance from you.

When we are embarrassed or ashamed we often open the door to defense mechanisms that can also make us say and do things we do not mean. An independent woman who is embarrassed about the need to get reassurance may use a defense mechanism of anger and blame to cover up what she feels is a personal weakness.

She may find that when she uses anger and blame to make you feel like you aren’t giving enough she can get the extra attention and assurance she needs without having to ask for it directly. Because defense mechanisms only work for us when we are not aware of them, she may not realize just how destructive her anger and blame really are.

Although the dynamic of female anger and blame may be unavoidable in many relationships, there are steps that can be taken to reverse this behavior pattern. You will now be shown a unique technique that allows you to circumvent the double standard and put an end to chronic female anger and blame in your relationship.

Let’s take a look at the first step in reversing the female anger in your relationship.

Bridging The Communication Gap

Whether a woman is unfairly blaming you because of her defenses or she is simply under the influence of high emotions, your first challenge will always be to get her to connect with you. Anger and blame create a wall that makes you a temporary enemy. In order for you to get over this hurdle you need to get her to want to listen to you. Unfortunately, when she is in a state of anger or blame, she will be in no mood to accept any kind of response other than your agreement that you have done something wrong.

Our natural urge will always be to fight or defend when we are unfairly blamed. This is a healthy reaction. It is essential for our self-esteem that we not agree to accept blame that we don’t deserve. So how do we create a workaround that gets a woman to want to listen to you without you having to admit you did anything wrong?

Your first workaround when using this technique will entail agreeing with what is behind her anger. There are always reasons that we feel angry at another person. But there is one reason that is present in every instance of anger at another. The universal reason for all anger at another person is the belief that this person did something wrong. In other words, anger and blame at others always stems from a belief that the other person did something they shouldn’t have done.

You are going to connect with your wife or girlfriend by letting her know you understand what is behind her anger. Because believing another person did something wrong is always the reason behind interpersonal anger, you will always be giving her the right answer. The phrase you use will also issue a subtle invitation for her to let you know why your behavior was wrong. Let’s take a closer look at why this setup allows you to get past her defenses.

A chronically angry woman in relationship will truly believe you did something wrong. She will believe that there is strong evidence at hand that she can use prove her right. Because she is in a high emotional state, she will expect you to acknowledge what is obvious to her, that you did something wrong. She basically wants you to say something like:

“I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Instead you will tell her something more like:

“It sounds like you are thinking that I did something wrong.”

Because you have not defended yourself in any way and you seem to have heard her complaint about you, she will drop her guard momentarily. Few of us can resist an invitation to expound on how angry we are to the person who ticked us off.

If you are worried that asking her to elaborate on how you were wrong will be an invitation for more anger and blame, you needn’t be. You have some insider knowledge about her that will protect you. You know that despite what she believes, she actually has no justification to blame you. Instead of defending yourself, you are going to take advantage of the fact that she doesn’t know she is holding a bad hand of cards. You are going to casually call her bet.

When she realizes what she thought was a royal flush is really a losing hand, her emotional state will drop. By using this technique you will be setting her up for a fall, but it will only be a fall from high emotions. Because she really does love you, she will actually feel better when she realizes you did nothing wrong as long as you let her come to the realization herself.

The reason this technique works is because you are allowing her to come to her own conclusion about your innocence. If you stick with the formula of this technique that lets her realize for herself that you are not guilty, she will drop the anger and blame each time. Now let’s look at the psychology behind this technique that allows you change her mind about you without confrontation.

The Psychology Behind the Technique

The simple psychology behind this technique relies on the fact that people who are in a high emotion state always believe what they are thinking under the influence of their emotions is accurate. By using this technique you are going to be taking advantage of this odd neurological phenomenon that accompanies high emotional states. Let’s take a look at how this glitch in our perception actually works.

When a person is in a highly angry state, any response that invalidates their perception will feel disingenuous. When our anger is running high, we will have such conviction in our distorted perception that anyone who offers a different opinion will appear to her to us to be manipulative or having bad intentions. The only way to get a person in this kind of state to abandon their emotional reality is if they arrive at their own conclusion that they were mistaken.

Now that you understand the psychology behind this technique, it’s time for you to learn how to put it to use. In an ideal world, you could follow the general instructions that have just been explained to you. However, being unfairly blamed is not and ideal situation, and we are humans, not robots. When we are blamed unfairly we feel quite upset, and anything but calm and casual. So how can we come up with a workaround that addresses both your upset at being unfairly attacked and your wife or girlfriend’s need to hear your plea of guilt?

The workaround that has been devised for you will be a phrase that you can memorize and recite when you feel unfairly blamed. This phrase has been constructed in a way that will do the work of disarming your wife or girlfriend without you having to change your own emotional state.

Using The Nicola Method To Lower Conflict

The phrase you will be using is from the Nicola Method, a series of techniques that work to lower conflict in different types of situations. You will be memorizing this phrase and then saying it to your wife or girlfriend when you find yourself unfairly blamed. Here is the phrase:

“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”

(If you are going to be translating this sentence into a different language the words you will translate are: “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something I shouldn’t have done.”)

This is the tool that will initially open the door to communication. This sentence works because it is constructed in a way that cannot be interpreted in a negative way. Because you will probably be upset when you are unfairly blamed, the sentence itself will ensure you don’t come off defensive or angry. It may be a little difficult to memorize, but it’s awkwardness is necessary to ensure she doesn’t interpret it as a smart or sarcastic response from you.

Your wife or girlfriend may not hear exactly what you say the first time you use this phrase. She may be so defensive that she blows it off. If she ignores your comment after you say it or if she makes a smart comment in response, simply say it again. After she responds, you can continue in your own words to try to get her to tell you why what you did was wrong.

It might go like this:

You: “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Her: “Don’t talk back to me!”
You: “I was just saying that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Her: “Well, yes. You certainly did.”
You: “I don’t like doing things wrong. Can you let me know what I did and why it was wrong.”

At this point she may try to tell you what was wrong about your behavior. Then she will probably start to speak and then pause and think for a moment. During this pause she will realize what you did wasn’t wrong, she was just irritated or in a bad mood.

Once she realizes it she will probably admit that. But don’t expect her to apologize. At this point your best bet is to casually drop the subject. You can repeat this process every time you feel you are being unfairly blamed. This sentence will remove the fuel that drives her anger. Without the fuel she will drop into an emotionally neutral state.

Let’s now step inside of the angry woman’s mind to follow her thought process so you can see what is happening in an angry woman’s mind as you use this technique. We will use the same scenario:

You: “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”

Her: (What is he talking about. Just flapping his mouth as usual. He just makes me so angry.) “Don’t talk back to me when I am talking to you!”

You: “I was just saying that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”

Her: (Well, what do you know. He finally listened to me. It’s about time. I am still very angry, but at least he is willing to accept that he’s behaved terribly. I have his full attention, and he has stopped being defensive, and now I am finally going to lay it out and show him exactly what he has done wrong. I have been waiting for this for a long time… All right. Now I am going tell him… Okay. Why was what he did wrong? I know there has to be a reason… Oh, maybe not… Okay. Well, I guess maybe he didn’t do anything wrong.)

Most of the time at this point she will simply say, “Well, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was just irritated.” Or she may say, “You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess I was still mad at you from the other day.”

This technique not only lowers her anger but it resolves the issue without conflict. The workaround that this technique provides addresses each of the challenges of defensive or emotional behavior without confrontation. You simply memorize one sentence and let it do the work for you. You will find that you can easily stop the anger and blame by using this technique.


Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.

If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

Visit Joanna on Google+