female anger in relationships

Female Anger In Relationships

Part 1 – Why Is She Always Mad At Me?

If you are like many men, you have probably wondered if there is a double standard that lets women off the hook for their anger at the men they are romantically involved with. After all, they seem to be able to get away with behavior that in other contexts would be considered inappropriate and possibly even in some cases abusive.

If you have ever brought the subject of a double standard for female anger up for discussion, you probably found out that men and women quickly gravitate to opposite sides of the fence over this issue. In fact, if you happened to express this theory of double standard to a woman you are romantically involved with, you may have even witnessed a clear example of the very issue you were trying to address.

Many men find themselves frustrated because they cannot find an open forum to discuss this very real problem. Women for the most part are anything but comfortable talking about chronic anger in their relationship. Men may talk about it, but not in a serious way. You will probably get a knowing look and then some ribbing about your lack of knowledge about the use of the phrase, “Yes, dear.”

Although this subject is often laughed and joked about, one thing remains clear. Unfair anger and blame is a destructive force that can do serious psychological damage to those on the receiving end. This leaves us with a very real question. How can a behavior pattern that is considered harmful in any other context be thought of as acceptable when it takes place between a woman and a man she is close to?

Because men and women have such opposing views on this subject, we will need to examine both the male and female perspective. Let’s see if we can now answer the question how can behavior be both psychologically destructive and socially acceptable at the same time.

You may be surprised to find out that there is a simple explanation that clears up this male-female paradox. In fact, once you see both sides of this equation clearly, you will also realize that it is possible for you to put an end to chronic anger and blame in your relationship.

Although the subject of female anger may appear too hot to handle, there is a way to reverse this problem. In fact, you can do it without any confrontation or even having to bring up the subject of anger to the woman in question.

Let’s begin the process of piecing this puzzle together by taking a look at what it is that drives a woman to be so angry at her romantic partner in the first place.

Is There A Defense For Female Anger

You may have heard many theories about female anger in relationships, but to actually get to the root of this problem we need to first take a look at the emotional makeup of women. In order to do this we will be zeroing in on two personality traits that are commonly associated with female behavior. One of the personality traits that often differentiates male behavior from female is the presence of high emotionality.

Most of us are fairly familiar with the behaviors caused by high emotions in certain women. But there are some nuances to high emotionality that you may not be aware of. Let’s take a look at the behaviors associated with high emotional states so you can see how it may be contributing to the anger and blame in your relationship.

High Emotions and Irrationality

We all know that high emotionality can leave us with the unshakable conviction that what we are feeling is rational even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary. In other words, when we are highly emotional we are likely to feel like we are the ones seeing things clearly. We naturally assume that those who challenge us have it all wrong. To demonstrate this all we need to do is think back to a time when we came down off of an episode of high emotions and wished we could take back whatever we said or did that at the time we thought was so rational.

Let’s now imagine what it would be like if that highly emotional state we all experience from time to time was going on all day long in a roller coaster ride of high emotion. When a person has what we might label chronic high emotionality, their personality is affected in very specific ways. Here are some of the ways high emotionality in women can lead to chronic relationship anger.

The Skills of Anger Regulation

Although everyone gets into a high-anger state from time to time, most of us are able to bring ourselves back down soon enough to undo any emotional damage sustained by our loved ones. But there are many women who lack the skills of emotional regulation that the rest of us take for granted. A woman with high emotionality may not be able to maintain an even emotional keel for long enough to recognize that she was doing and saying things she didn’t mean. If she is constantly moving in and out of high-emotion states, she may end up with the belief that her emotional reality is always accurate and that you deserve the anger she is dishing out.

Another problem associated with high emotionality in women is that they often assume they can use their emotions as a guidance system, almost like a sixth sense. If she regularly relies on what her elevated emotions are telling her, she may have a very hard time listening to differing viewpoints. Her inability to question herself may leave her stuck in a holding pattern of always thinking she’s right and you are wrong.

High emotionality can play a major role in female anger. But there is another contributor to chronic anger and blame that can cause even more trouble in your relationship. We are now going to talk about anger and blame as a defense mechanism or a coping mechanism for relationship insecurity.

Many women who are not particularly defensive in other areas of their life can become highly defensive when romance is involved. What causes women be susceptible to defense mechanisms when they are in romantic relationships often has to do with a second common female personality trait. This trait can cause a woman to feel insecure in her relationship even when her male partner is doing everything he can to make her feel safe.

The trait we are going to be talking about is a unique sensitivity that many women experience but few are willing to talk about. A lot of women have what we might call heightened concern over anything that might appear to be a threat to her relationship. This is most commonly experienced as fear that her partner is not actually committed. When these women enter a relationship they may find that they need much more assurance of a man’s commitment than a man needs to keep them feeling secure.

This constant doubt about the commitment of her partner is often as confusing for the woman as it is for a man. In fact, many women are so surprised when they experience this form of relationship insecurity for the first time that they assume it must be the man’s fault. Men are often equally puzzled when the independent woman they chose turns clingy and dependent.

We are now going to take a look at how the trait of heightened concern over relationship security can cause a woman to feel like she is on the lower end of the seesaw. When a woman needs more assurance than a man, it sets up a subtle imbalance. It makes her feel like she cares more about the relationship than he does. This personality trait alone can cause a woman to feel one down without a man asserting any kind of power or dominance over her.

The Hidden Inequality Between Men And Women

In order to better understand what a woman with this trait goes through, we can turn to our own life experience. All of us have at one time been romantically involved with someone who didn’t like us quite as much as we liked them. If you are like most people you experienced this imbalance as very uncomfortable. You probably found yourself becoming uncharacteristically clingy and needy due to fear that you could be rejected. In short, an imbalance like this can make us feel insecure even when the other person is treating us well.

A woman who has a strong personality trait of concern around her relationship security will find herself wanting much more assurance than her male partner. Since most men do not possess this trait, they will not automatically know to provide her the kind of assurance that will keep her from worrying. This will force her into a position where she feels she needs to ask for more assurance. If she is ordinarily a strong and independent woman, she will feel embarrassment at having to admit to her weakness. When we do not want to admit to feelings of weakness we provide the perfect opportunity for defense mechanisms to take hold. Let’s take a look at why.

The Connection Between Defense Mechanisms and Shame

Feelings of embarrassment, shame and humiliation seem to be an Achilles heel of the human condition. For some reason this particular emotional state is very difficult for most of us to tolerate. When women feel ashamed of their feelings of weakness over insecurity in their relationships, they often get caught up in defensive behavior.

When we feel emotional pain coming on, particularly if it involves shame or humiliation, we can easily find ourselves influenced by a strong psychological need to escape from these feelings. Each of us has an internal alarm system that can easily be triggered by feelings of shame. This system will often kick into gear to protect us from uncomfortable feelings.

This emotional protection mechanism can have a negative effect on our romantic relationships. Although our loved ones may not be directly hurting us, if our subconscious mind believes we might get hurt, it is perfectly capable of overriding our better judgment. This very primitive part of our brain has only one concern, and that is to protect us from pain, even if it has to sometimes cut us off from those we love.

There is a certain level of faith that all people have to find to risk the pain of romantic rejection. In order to trust another person enough to risk getting hurt, we have to be strong enough to ignore the warnings of our over-protective subconscious mind. When our fear of getting hurt gets too high, our subconscious mind can easily step into the pilot’s seat. When this part of our brain takes over, our relationships can become the first casualty.

female anger

How Defense Mechanisms Work

The subconscious mind may protect a woman from relationship rejection in two different ways. One is by taking advantage of her natural fear of getting hurt that is already in place. It simply fans her fears to try to encourage her to close down emotionally so she is less vulnerable to being hurt.

The second way the subconscious mind may influence a women in relationship is to convince her that the person she loves is about to betray her or isn’t really committed after all. The goal of the subconscious in this situation is to get her to switch over to feeling angry at her partner for disloyalty instead of feeling afraid she is not worthy. Because anger is a very powerful emotion it can conveniently cover up her feelings of fear.

In order to understand more clearly how defense mechanisms work, we can again turn to our own life experiences. Almost every one of us has been influenced by this kind of influence from our subconscious mind. For example, if you have ever tried to change your eating habits to improve your health you may have noticed a certain kind of thought that seemed to crop up out of nowhere. This thought may have told you that just one doughnut won’t hurt. Or if you are trying to start an exercise program, your subconscious mind may have fed in the thought that you can just as easily start the program tomorrow.

Diet and exercise are slightly painful activities that the subconscious mind may want us to avoid. But our subconscious mind will up its game according to how bad it thinks our pain will be if we stay on the course we are on. We all know that romantic rejection can produce extraordinary pain. The subconscious may go to extreme lengths to get us to close our heart to those we love in an attempt to protect us from rejection and humiliation.

A woman who has naturally high insecurity concerning threats to her romantic relationship is very susceptible to these types of defense mechanisms. She is easily manipulated by her subconscious mind. All it has to do is plant a few thoughts in her head that trigger her suspicions that her partner is not all in.

The suspicion alone compounded with her already excessive levels of concern will provide fuel for her anger even when her partner has done nothing wrong. Although this behavior pattern is very destructive for her loved ones, the relief she gets from engaging in chronic anger and blame may override her guilt over the pain she is causing.

Because a chronically angry woman’s behaviors may be strongly influenced by her subconscious mind or high emotionality, we find that we cannot assign blame to her in a black and white manner. Both high emotion and a naturally high concern about relationship security can influence women to act in irrational ways. Because these traits can trigger behavior that is not altogether voluntary, it leaves us unable to determine just how much accountability we should hold her responsible for.

The Solution To High Emotionality And Concern Over Relationship Security

The real solution to this problem may lie in public education for women that teaches them about these traits and how they may affect their behavior in romantic relationships. If both men and women were educated that high emotions and heightened concern over their partner’s commitment are normal for some women, the shame they feel over these traits would not be as extreme. Since it is shame that in many cases triggers the negative behavior their partners experience, most couples would be able to overcome these problems.

However, as ideal as this may sound, social change through education can take years and sometimes even decades to make a difference in our everyday life. You, meanwhile, may need to find a way to stop this destructive behavior pattern right now. So our solution to this problem will be a simple one. Instead of taking on the world’s social problems, you will instead be given an easy workaround to resolve the problem of female anger in your relationship.

You are about to be introduced to a technique that will do two things. It will lower a woman’s emotions when she is unfairly angry or blaming of you. It will also allow you to disarm any defense mechanisms that may have been triggered. This simple workaround will let you put an end to excess anger and blame without any confrontation and without you ever needing to bring up the subject with her. In fact, she will not even know that you are using a technique.

Please join me for Part 2 of this blog series: Reversing Female Anger In Relationships where you will learn a technique that will show you how to restore a comfortable emotional environment to your relationship.


Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.

If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

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