techniques that stop emotional abuse

Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse

Part 4 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?

In Part 4 of Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse you will be presented with an easy-to-use technique that will allow you to use all of the information that you have learned in the first three parts of this blog series to stop any emotional abuser from launching an emotional attack on you.

This technique from the Nicola Method has been designed to stop an emotional abuser during any episode and with consistent use will allow you to put a stop to the behavior entirely. In order to accomplish this, we will first need to take a closer look at shame and the part it plays in emotional abuse. You will find that it is the feeling of shame that the emotional abuser always uses to knock us off our game.

Before you learn this simple technique, let’s do a review of the tactics used by the emotional abuser so you can see why this method works when so many of your previous attempts to stop emotional abuse may have failed.

In Part 1 of this blog series we learned that tactics of emotional abuse are universal. Although the emotional abuser’s extreme use of these tactics may be shocking to us, if we look carefully at our own behavior, we will find that most of us have engaged in a much less destructive version of these behaviors at times in order to try to make ourselves feel better, even if it is at others’ expense.

In Part 2 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse we learned that the tactics of an emotional abuser only work because each of us has a hidden vulnerability. We all fear social rejection, so much so that we have rules built into our society that protect us from having to experience these hidden fears. These social rules tell us we must not say and do things that may make others suspect we are judging them negatively.

Although we may not realize it, we all find ourselves walking on eggshells when we interact socially in order not to trigger this universal insecurity in others. It is this hidden fear that the emotional abuser preys on by simply not playing by the social rules and instead purposefully making us feel like we are going to be rejected. By displacing their feelings of shame onto others, they are able to relieve themselves from their own high levels of social insecurity.

In Part 3 we examined the tactics of the emotional abuser more closely and found that the abuser uses only one method to make us feel bad. This tactic involves making us feel afraid that we will be socially rejected over certain specific deficiencies. We found that there are seven qualities that most of us associate with social acceptance that the emotional abuser always uses to try to make us feel ashamed.

Each time the abuser attacks us it will always be over a perceived deficiency in one of these seven human qualities. The very specific nature of emotional abuse allows us to track exactly how the abuser hurts us and also shows us a glaring flaw in the abuser’s attempt to make us feel ashamed that we will in this installment be using to dismantle the abuser’s weaponry against us.

Social Shame And Rejection

Most people are completely unaware of how often they feel shame over things that they have no business feeling ashamed over. This shame usually stems from our fear that others will reject us or not like us if we stick out from the crowd in a negative way. Because this worry seems to be shared by all people and seems to be a part of the human condition, we don’t usually identify this form of insecurity in ourselves. But the emotional abuser is aware on a very low level of our vulnerability in this area, and it is this fear that the abuser takes advantage of when they try to make us feel bad about ourselves.

Let’s take a quick look at the kinds of hidden fears each of us carries in the area of social acceptance. This will help you become more aware of these common worries that usually affect us behind the scenes:

We may worry people will think we are too poor, not intelligent, not fashionably dressed, not aware of social customs or not attractive enough to fit in. If we hang out with a different sort of crowd we may be afraid of the opposite. We may worry that our peers think we are showing off our money, acting too smart, are too formally dressed, or paying too much attention to social formalities.

We tend to have worries about our grooming, perhaps that our hair will be sticking out or that our fly is down, that our socks might not match or that we have a hole in our nylons, a stain on our clothes. We may worry that we will say something not clever enough, not kind enough, something that shows others we don’t know what we are doing.

Because we are unaware of our insecurities surrounding social rejection or not fitting in with our peers, the abuser has the perfect opportunity to take advantage of us. Let’s now take a look at how our worries at not fitting in create this perfect opportunity for an abuser who wants to make themselves feel better by making us feel worse.

The Transference Of Shame

The emotional abuser has a very high level of social insecurity. They often discover there is a perfect antidote for their uncomfortable feelings. They learn to make themselves feel better by making others around them even more worried than they are about fitting in. This guarantees that they won’t be first in line for social rejection.

Although this insight into emotional abuse can be very helpful, you will find that this information by itself is not enough to stop emotional abuse. There is one more piece of the puzzle that you need to put into place before you can begin calling the shots with a person who is trying to get you to feel bad. The missing piece of information that will allow you to stop the abuse is an understanding of what we should and should not feel ashamed of.

We all have a slightly different value system which tells us what we should feel ashamed about. However, there are certain beliefs we all share that can help us determine if we should feel ashamed. An easy way to tell is whether we think we owe an apology for our behavior. An apology is a universal way of saying we feel ashamed of something we did.

If we look carefully at what we tend to apologize for, we will see that the only behaviors we engage in that need an apology are those actions that have caused harm to others. Let’s test this theory out in real life. Here are a few behaviors that we might feel sorry for:

Forgetting to get someone to an appointment on time.
Forgetting a birthday or anniversary.
Making a careless but hurtful remark.
Forgetting to fulfill a responsibility.
Causing distress to another person needlessly.

No matter how long we make our list of behaviors that we would expect to apologize for, we will find that apologies will always be for not thinking of the welfare of another person in some way. Apologizing is a way of letting others know that we feel ashamed of what we did, even if it is a very small thing.

So how does this relate to emotional abuse? You will find that none of the qualities that the emotional abuser tries to make you feel ashamed of fit in the category of shameful behavior. It is this crucial flaw in the abuser’s attempt to make you feel bad that will allow you to stop the abuse.

In order to use this flaw to disarm the abuser, it will be necessary for you to become very clear on what kinds of qualities we should feel ashamed of and what qualities we should not. Here is a list of qualities that will help you tell the difference. When in doubt, you can always ask yourself if the quality the abuser is trying to pin on you is something you would want to apologize for.

Shameful Qualities

Being mean to others
Making others feel bad
Bullying behavior
Being unfair to others
Dominating behavior
Manipulative behavior
Unkindness

Shameless Qualities

Not being physically attractive enough
Not being sexually attractive enough
Not being intelligent enough
Not being competent enough
Not being socially skilled enough
Not being brave enough
Not being clean enough

If you look at the category of shameful qualities, you will find that these shameful behaviors are all behaviors of the abuser, not of you. Each time the abuser tries to make you feel bad about yourself, they are actually the ones displaying qualities that are shameful. The abuser will always try to get you to feel ashamed for qualities that no one should ever feel bad about.

The reason that the abuser’s tactic works to shake us up, even when we have more than adequate self-esteem, is that we all have a hidden fear that others may reject us because we lack one of the qualities in the shameless category. Although few of us would ever judge another person for lacking these qualities, every one of us at some point experiences fear that others may reject us over them.

This can be easily demonstrated by imagining those in your peer group saying something negative to you regarding one of the shameless qualities in a manner other than joking. You will find that even the thought of another person saying these things to you or to others behind your back can bring up the emotion of shame.

You can also test out this universal sensitivity by imagining yourself making a comment pointing out a deficiency in one of these shameless qualities to someone you know. You will find that it will be almost impossible for you to imagine a situation where you would point out one these deficiencies to another person. It would be considered extremely socially rude and could even lead to the beginning of an end to any relationship.

In order to verify this observation, here is the list of qualities that emotional abusers commonly use to point out your deficiencies that in Part 3 we labeled the Seven Qualities of Social Attraction. You will find that we do, indeed, share a societal taboo around mentioning these social weaknesses in the presence of others:

Seven Qualities Of Social Attraction

Physical attractiveness
Sexual attractiveness
Intelligence
Competence
Social skills
Bravery
Cleanliness

These surface qualities that may make us look good on the outside in no way turn us into better social companions. It is only our natural insecurity that creates the need for a social code that forbids us from saying anything negative related to these seven qualities to others. If you examine your own behavior, you will realize we are all too highly sensitive to social rejection to tolerate anything but extraordinary tact when it comes to comments that might put into question acceptability among our peers.

This natural insecurity is not something we should try to work through or work past. Sensitivity to what others think about us is not only a part of our culture, it is also in a sense a part of our species. Since we are social creatures, this built-in sensitivity to what others will think of us is what motivates us to tune into the needs of others. It is this awareness that instills in us the value of our relationships making us realize how important others are in our lives.

Unfortunately this vulnerability also leaves us susceptible to fears that an abuser can easily prey on. Try as we may to not care what others think of us, we cannot help but feel worried about social acceptance. On the positive side, the abuser only use one tactic, which is trying to get you to worry about others rejecting you over one of these seven qualities. Once you learn the exact nature of their emotional weaponry, you will find you can easily put a stop to the behavior.

The abuser depends on our lack of knowledge over what we should feel ashamed over to knock us off balance, but you are now going to be shown a way to make the abuser acknowledge to you that there is nothing shameful in lacking these qualities. By doing this you will find yourself able to take away their ability to get relief by making you feel bad about yourself.

Your goal will not be to stop the abuser from hurting you, although that will be the end result. Your goal will instead be to simply get the abuser to acknowledge that there is nothing shameful in having deficiencies in these seven areas. When the abuser finds themselves having to admit to you that there is nothing to be ashamed over, they will also find themselves unable to achieve the relief they seek from making you feel bad.

techniques to stop emotional abuse

Using The Nicola Method

The technique you are about to learn is from the Nicola Method, a non-confrontational set of phrases that have been developed to allow you to lower conflict. The techniques from this method will let you direct the abuser’s attention to the flaw in their belief that you should feel ashamed without them realizing it was you who did it.

The phrasing you will be using, which can be memorized and recited during abuse episodes, will initially lead the abuser to believe you are going along with their assertion that you have done something shameful. However, the abuser will very soon find themselves having to admit to you that there is nothing to be ashamed of after all. These simple techniques that stop emotional abuse allow even individuals who are not comfortable with conflict to stop abuse with ease, and it will afford anyone using it emotional protection during the process of changing the abuser’s behavior.

It is not particularly easy to get the abuser to admit they are wrong, so you will be given language developed specifically for this purpose. In order to understand how the language works, we must take a brief look at the conscious and unconscious mind of the emotional abuser.

The Subconscious And The Conscious Mind

Emotional abuse is always orchestrated by the subconscious part of the abuser’s mind. In order to achieve relief, the abuser’s subconscious mind must convince the conscious mind that the person being abused is feeling ashamed. This belief allows the abuser to imagine they have passed their shame on to the other person. In order to accomplish this, the abuser’s subconscious mind must not let on that what they are accusing the person of is not shameful.

You are now going to learn how to take advantage of the fact that the abuser has been convinced by their subconscious mind that what you have done is shameful. You are going to be given language that has been developed to convince the abuser that you think they might be right along with a casual suggestion. If the abuser can be momentarily led to believe that you think they might be right, they will be happy to do as you suggest.

The phrase you will memorize and recite will casually suggest that the abuser explain in more detail why you should feel ashamed. This suggestion, if presented in the exact language that you learn it in, will lull the abuser into believing that you want to face your shame. In the abuser’s mind, your acceptance of shame represents a signed and sealed delivery of relief from uncomfortable feelings.

However, because their belief that your behavior is shameful is flawed, when the abuser tries to explain to you why you should feel ashamed, they will find themselves stuck without an explanation. The subconscious mind will have fooled them into believing there is a good reason that you should feel ashamed where none exists.

You will have caused the abuser’s conscious mind to be directed straight to the fact that there is nothing shameful about your behavior. This defeats the goal of the abuser’s subconscious mind. When the justification for why you should feel bad falls apart, the abuser will find themselves incapable of unloading their shame onto you. In this way you will be effectively taking the weapons out of the abuser’s hands.

If you are having doubts that a technique this simple could disable a crafty emotional abuser, try for yourself to come up with any kind of explanation for why a lack in any of the seven qualities of social attraction could be considered shameful. You will find yourself unable to justify the shame. By pointing the abuser, who is in that moment convinced they are right, directly to the flaw in their attempt to make you feel bad, even the meekest person will find they can easily take the abuser’s ability to hurt them away.

Learning Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse

Now let’s take a look at exactly how to accomplish this goal. But before we continue it is important to note that being able to use techniques that stop emotional abuse does not mean the abuser will see the error of their ways and apologize for their past behavior. This method does not lead to full rehabilitation unless the abuser already wants to stop the behavior. This technique only takes away the ability for an abuser to use this tactic on you.

You will be using an introductory phrase from the Nicola Method to stop the abuse. This phrase will always be the same and it will work during any abuse episode. It is this phrase that will fool the abuser into thinking you want to face your shame. It will entice the abuser into wanting to explain to you why you should feel bad. When the abuser tries to tell you what is shameful about your behavior, they will come up short. However, when they realize they are wrong, they will generally not admit their error to you, although it will be clear to both of you.

What they will do instead is change the subject, often with a flippant comment and back off the topic entirely. However, this will still stop the abuse on the spot. It will also give the abuser the clear message that they will not necessarily get relief by using these tactics on you. Once the abuser fully accepts they cannot get relief from your reaction, they will stop abusing on their own.

Let’s now take a look at the three-step process you will be using to stop the abuse.

Step One: Identifying the Quality Of Social Attraction

Step one in stopping emotional abuse is for you to identify which of the seven qualities the abuser is implying you are deficient in. While you are first learning to identify which qualities the abuser has chosen to try to make you feel bad, you can speed up the process by thinking back to previous episodes of emotional abuse. You will find that the abuser uses the same qualities over and over.

You can easily learn how to predict which quality the abuser will use by becoming familiar with ones used in the past. Simply compare what the abuser made you feel bad about in the past to the list of seven qualities and choose the one that seems to match.

Step Two: Applying The Non-Confrontational Phrase

You will then use a phrase from the Nicola Method that allows you to convince the abuser to explain why you should be feeling ashamed. Here is the phrase you will be using:

“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…”

Step Three: Naming the Deficiency

In Step three you will add to the phrase, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…” the quality the abuser is acting like you are deficient in. Here are your choices of endings for your phrase that correspond to the seven qualities of social attraction:

“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”

Now let’s take a look at how to stop emotional abuse in a real-life situation. We will use a scenario where an abuser uses the first quality of social attraction to try to make you feel deficient. In this scenario the abuser has chosen a deficiency in the area of physical attractiveness to try to make you feel socially unattractive:

Scenario One: Physical Attractiveness

Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”

We can clearly identify the deficiency the abuser has chosen to make you feel bad is physical attractiveness.

Let’s move to step two, applying the non-confrontational phrase that makes the abuser want to explain why you should feel ashamed. The phrase will always be, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…” You can simply memorize this phrase so it is always available to you, even in the middle of an abuse episode.

Now let’s move to step three, adding the deficiency to the end of the sentence. You will now add the name of the deficiency the abuser has chosen to make you feel ashamed and attach it to the end of the phrase you have memorized like this:

Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”

Let’s take a closer look at the first part of this phrase, the ten words you will have memorized. This phrase has been designed to allow you to entice the abuser into giving you an explanation for why you should feel ashamed. Using this language will get the abuser to do as you suggest without any suspicion that you are setting them up for a fall.

Let’s now take a look at what happens after you use this sentence to convince the abuser to tell you what is shameful about your behavior. At first this will be a moment of triumph for the abuser who thinks they are getting you to accept your shame. However, the triumph will quickly turn to confusion.

The abuser will be caught unaware that there is no explanation as to why lack of attractiveness should make us feel ashamed. The abuser will not realize until it is too late that although some of us may have secret hidden shame about not being attractive enough, this shame does not hold up when it is brought out into the light of day.

You will find that when you use this phrase to expose the tactics of an abuser and shine a light on them, the justification for the abuse will always fall apart. Getting the abuser to try to explain to you why you should feel ashamed will force them to either admit they were wrong or get them to back out of the confrontation entirely.

Let’s now look at how the scripted response you have just learned plays out in real life to stop emotional abuse. We will be using the same example we just looked at of an abuser who chooses to use the quality of physical attractiveness to instill shame. Watch how this simple technique puts the abuser in the position of having to explain something that simply doesn’t hold true:

Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Abuser: “Well, don’t you?”
Response: “I hadn’t thought about it. Why do you think I should feel ashamed?”

At this point, the abuser will not be able to tell you why you should feel bad for not being more attractive. Attractiveness is a quality we may want to have, but for the most part we don’t get a choice. Although we might want the advantages of being highly attractive, there is no logical answer to why we should feel ashamed if we are not.

Your first response will usually end the attempt to make you feel ashamed, and the abuser will find a way to exit out of the conversation, but let’s follow it out with an example of a particularly persistent abuser so you can see how to handle a more difficult scenario:

Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Abuser: “Well, don’t you?”
Response: “I hadn’t thought about it. Why do you think I should feel ashamed?”
Abuser: “I’d sure feel embarrassed if I looked like you!”
Response: “What would you feel embarrassed about?”

The only answer to this question is a serious conversation that involves an understanding of sociology and psychology to explain how physical attractiveness plays a part in social acceptance. The abuser isn’t about to discuss this with you.

Their goal was to make you feel ashamed, and you will have kept them from imagining that you feel bad. They will be left without the words to make you feel any worse. Nothing in your response could possibly be interpreted as you feeling ashamed. The abuser will have to either admit they wrong about you or back out of the conversation. Here are a few responses they may give to get out of the situation with the least embarrassment.

“Oh, forget it. Can’t you take a joke?”
“Man, I can’t talk to you about anything.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
“I’m not going to talk about this with you.”
“Just drop it. I’m tired of this conversation.”

Now let’s do a quick review of this technique.

Step one: Identify the deficiency. In this case the abuser chose to make you feel ashamed for not being physically attractive.

Step two: Use the phrase you had previously memorized, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…”

Step three: Add to that phrase the name of the quality the abuser thinks you lack, which in this scenario was, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being attractive enough.”

You have now set the stage for the abuser to tell you what is so shameful about not being attractive. The abuser will be unaware that when they attempt to elaborate on why you should feel ashamed they will come up empty-handed. In mid sentence they will discover there is nothing they could say to explain why it is shameful to have a deficiency in this area.

This technique works the same way for each of the seven qualities. We will now go through a sample abuse scenario for each of the seven qualities of social attraction using this technique. Although the abuser will usually give up after your first response, your sample scenarios will include the continued responses of a persistent abuser so you can see how to work with a range of emotional abuse.

There is one additional note that can help you use this technique. Using the words “feel ashamed” can sound too formal for some people’s communication style. You can easily substitute the words “feel bad” for the words “feel ashamed,” or you can use “feel embarrassed” instead of the words “feel ashamed” when you are practicing your responses to episodes of emotional abuse. In other words, instead of responding with:

“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”

You can instead respond with:

“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being physically attractive enough.”

Or you can say:

“It seems like you think I should feel embarrassed for not being physically attractive enough.”

Let’s now use a scenario where the abuser chooses the second quality of social attraction, sexual attractiveness, to make you feel bad.

Scenario Two: Sexual Attractiveness

Abuser: “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you even know how to dress like a woman?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
Abuser: “You’re darned right! Who would go out with you looking like that?”
Response: “Why do you think I should be ashamed at not looking feminine enough?”
Abuser: “Don’t you know anything?!”
Response: “I’m just asking why I should feel ashamed.”
Abuser: “Oh, forget it. I have to explain everything around here.”
Response: “Could you explain it to me?”
Abuser: “This is ridiculous. I’m not going to talk about this with you any longer!”

The abuser can’t continue to use this tactic once their explanation fizzles out. In fact, they will end up feeling embarrassed which will be a further deterrent the next time they get the urge to abuse you.

Here is a scenario where the abuser has chosen intelligence as a deficiency that you should feel ashamed over.

Scenario Three: Intelligence

Abuser: “What are you, stupid? Don’t you know anything?!”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
Abuser: “Well, duh, yeah, being stupid is pretty embarrassing, isn’t it!”
Response: “What is it that is embarrassing about it?”
Abuser: “Because it makes you dumb, that’s why.”
Response: “So why would I feel ashamed about having a low I.Q.”
Abuser: “Because everyone will think you’re an idiot.”
Response: “What will they think is wrong with not being smart?”
Abuser: “This is pointless. I’m not talking to you about this anymore.”

You can see how once you are aware that intelligence is not something to be ashamed of, you can stop having to defend yourself against the abuser. Simply suggest that the abuser tell you what is shameful about lack of intelligence. There is no answer to this question. The abuser will have to either admit this or back out of the conversation.

Now let’s look at an example of an abuser who chooses to make you feel deficient in the area of competence.

Scenario Four: Competence

Abuser: “You expect me to eat this? What are you trying to do, poison me?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
Abuser: “If the shoe fits…”
Response: “Why do you think I should feel ashamed over not cooking well?”
Abuser: “You seriously don’t know?”
Response: “No, I don’t know why not cooking well should make me feel ashamed.”
Abuser: “Would you stop yapping about this? I’m just asking you to make some improvements in the cooking area. Sheesh.”

This is an example of how an abuser may try to get out of their embarrassing situation by changing their accusation into a less abusive comment. Although it is not an apology, it certainly stops the abuse and reframes it into a more appropriate statement.

Let’s take a look at how to use this technique when the abuser chooses to label you as deficient in the area of social skills:

Scenario Five: Social Skills

Abuser: “I can’t take you anywhere. You have no idea how to handle yourself in public.”
Response: “It seems like you think I should be ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
Abuser: “I know I am ashamed of being out with you.”
Response: “What is it that you think I should feel ashamed over?”
Abuser: “Because people will think you are a hick.”
Response: “What’s so embarrassing about that?”
Abuser: “You want to be seen as a hick?!”
Response: “I just don’t see what’s embarrassing about it.”
Abuser: “Just forget I ever said anything. I’m tired of your questions. Just drop it. Okay?”

The only answer to the question of why lack of social skills should cause shame is a serious sociological conversation that an abuser isn’t about to discuss with you. When they realize they can’t get the emotional relief they are seeking, they will instead quickly back out of the conversation.

Now let’s take a look at a scenario where the abuser chooses deficiency in the quality of bravery.

Scenario Six: Bravery

Abuser: “You are such a wimp. Why can’t you act like a man for once?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
Abuse: “That’s right. You should feel ashamed!”
Response: “Why should not being brave make me feel ashamed?”
Abuser: “Because people hate a coward.”
Response: “Why do they hate people who aren’t brave enough?”

The answer to this question goes directly to the very heart of all emotional abuse. Feelings of condescension towards those who appear afraid are always caused by insecurity. It is a direct indication that this person is attempting to transfer their own shame over feelings of weakness onto another. You can be sure the abuser will not participate in this discussion with you. They will back off and get out of the conversation.

Let’s now take a look at the final quality. This scenario concerns deficiencies in cleanliness.

Scenario Seven: Cleanliness

Abuser: “This place is disgusting. Don’t you even know how to clean up after yourself? You make me sick!”
Response: “It sounds like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”
Abuser: “Yeah, you should feel ashamed for living in this filthy mess.”
Response: “Why do you think I should feel ashamed around not having a clean enough house?”
Abuser: “Because living in a barn like this makes you a pig.”
Response: “What I mean is what do you think is wrong with not being clean enough?”
Abuser: “Well, if you don’t know, I’m sure not going to tell you.”
Response: “I actually wish you would.”
Abuser: “Forget it. I’m done with this conversation.”

Although the abuser wants to stoke your fears about others rejecting you, having to say it out loud ruins the mood and doesn’t give the abuser what they want. The abuser will soon give up trying.

Review Of The Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse

Let’s take a final look at why this technique works to stop emotional abuse. Getting the abuser to tell you why you should feel ashamed will direct the abuser to the fatal flaw in their attempt to get you to feel bad. The only way to get the abuser to do this is with a completely neutral, non-confrontational and non-defensive suggestion. Always use the language in the non-confrontational phrase you have been provided.

At first they will be more than happy to elaborate on why you should feel bad, but their justification will fizzle in mid-sentence. Because they cannot come up with any kind of explanation as to why you should feel bad, they will not be able to transfer their shame to you. Using this technique consistently is usually enough to stop the abuser from attempting to get relief by abusing you.

There are several other non-confrontational techniques from the Nicola Method that also work to stop abuse. However, this one has been offered because it is simple enough that most people can put it in place with very little effort or preparation. Because most abusers choose the same quality over and over to make you feel bad, you will find you can prepare your sentences in advance and memorize them so even during an abuse episode you can access your phrase to stop the abuse.

Here is a list of sentences you can memorize and use during episodes of abuse according to the emotional abuser’s choice of quality to make you feel bad.

“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”

If this language feels too formal to fit your communication style, here is a less formal set of phrases that will work just as well:

“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not looking good enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being pretty/handsome enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being smart enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being good enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being social enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being clean enough.”

If the abuser is persistent at putting you down after you use these phrases, simply in your own words ask them to explain why you should feel bad until they back out of the confrontation.

The best method for putting these techniques into practice is to take an inventory of past qualities that the abuser has tried to make you feel ashamed over. You can then identify which of the qualities the abuser uses the most often and choose the sentence that has the closest match. Write down your phrases and practice possible responses in case the abuser is persistent according to the examples you have been given.

If the abuse is constant, simply choose the quality that the abuser uses the most frequently with you to start with. Even if you are only able to work with one quality at a time, you may find that by the time you become skilled at stopping the abuser from trying to make you feel ashamed over one quality, the abuser will have realized you can no longer be abused and the behavior will stop. If your abuser is persistent, you can practice as many scenarios as you need to until you feel proficient at stopping the abuse.

In our final installment, Part 5, How To Stop Emotional Abuse – Advanced Techniques, you will be learning advanced techniques that stop emotional abuse. Although the technique you have been given is enough to stop this behavior, it can be helpful to have several more techniques available, especially if you are in any kind of ongoing relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive. In Part 5 you will learn several other equally effective techniques along with instructions that will show you how to stop the more subtle forms of controlling behavior that may not rise to the level of abuse but which have no place in a healthy relationship.

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.

If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

Visit Joanna on Google+