traits of bpd-projection

Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD:
Why Did I Fall So Hard?

If you are one of those unlucky men who has experienced a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD, or borderline personality disorder, you probably discovered that the love you had for her did not go away just because the relationship was over. Most men, no matter how painful, abusive or chaotic their relationship was, find themselves overwhelmed with desperate feelings of longing for many months and for some even years after their breakup.

What we will find when we closely examine relationships with women who have traits of BPD is that not only do their partners suffer more than the average partner while the relationship is going on, but the suffering partner’s experience after the breakup is also exponentially more painful than average.

So what makes these relationships so extraordinarily pleasurable to enter while so excruciatingly painful to leave? When we examine these questions we discover very clear although often surprising answers to just how a woman with traits of BPD is able to make a man fall so deeply in love.

In order to understand how a woman with traits of BPD can evoke these powerful feelings in her partner we must examine one very specific aspect of the cluster of personality traits that leaves women who possess them susceptible to this disorder.

As it turns out, the same combination of traits that causes so much pain and hardship in their lives coincidentally also gives them some very attractive attributes when it comes to romance. These attributes when combined together allow them to easily open up hidden doors of longing in their partner that otherwise would never see the light of day.

Sadly, the extraordinary aptitude of women with traits of BPD to make men feel more love than they imagined possible often ends in devastation. Although the positive effect of these traits can evoke feelings of lifelong love in partners in the initial idealization phase of the relationship, that love is destined to be brutally ripped away in the inevitable devaluation phase.

The sudden emotional turnaround during devaluation can leave a partner of a woman with traits of BPD saddled with a form of grief that most of us only experience when a loved one dies. But because there is little education on the level of pain associated with this unique type of breakup, few men will receive the level of support they need to recover from this loss.

In this blog post we are going to be addressing a powerful combination of behavior traits that are so universally alluring that they can cause men of all types not only to fall in love, but to fall faster and deeper than in any other kind of romantic relationship.

But before we begin our exploration into this unusual phenomenon, let’s take a moment to clear up a few common misconceptions about women with traits of BPD.

Did My Ex-Girlfriend Really Have a Disorder

Many men who enter a relationship where their partner engages in behaviors of idealization followed by devaluation or push-pull coupled with chronic irrational anger assume that this behavior pattern qualifies the partner for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

What they don’t realize is that people who qualify for a diagnosis of BPD experience severe problems in other areas in life besides their romantic relationships. These individuals are so emotionally over-sensitive that they are not able to function normally. So if your partner engaged in the negative behaviors on this list, she may only be somewhere on the spectrum of BPD.

Because the damage partners of women with traits of BPD sustain is equally destructive whether they qualify for the diagnosis or not, in this blog post we will be referring to any woman on the spectrum of BPD as a woman with traits of BPD regardless of whether she qualifies for the diagnosis.

Now that you know that behaviors associated with BPD that emerge in romantic relationships can occur in any woman with stronger than usual emotional sensitivities, we can begin our exploration into what women with traits of BPD do that evoke the feelings of overpowering love that so many men experience in this type of relationship.

Three Elements of Love

Love with a woman with traits of BPD is very complex, and there are several different components to that love which in combination can keep men from moving on after a breakup. We are going to be looking at three aspects that are part and parcel of this type of relationship that must be clearly understood in order for a partner to gain the separation necessary to get on with their lives.

The first aspect you will be learning about is what it was that made this woman so attractive to you. The second aspect is understanding exactly what it was that convinced you that all of your boxes had been ticked, letting you know she was the one, even though many of the practical qualities that are necessary in any longterm relationship may have been noticeably absent.

The third aspect you must come to grips with is why her behaviors that should have told you to leave instead somehow locked you even tighter into it leaving you to flounder in the relationship for much longer than you should have.

Let’s begin our exploration by looking at a very unusual and baffling phenomenon that seems to be closely associated with the behavior pattern of women with traits of BPD, the ability to make almost any partner fall in love with her.

Defying the Odds of Love

The ability of any individual to cause multiple partners with all kinds of different personalities fall deeply in love with them seems to defy everything we know about the odds of falling in love. Yet countless ex-partners and even countless women with traits of BPD agree that this is a common theme in this type of relationship.

To demystify this unusual ability we need to first take a look at what it is that causes people to fall in love in the first place. There are many differing theories about what causes this uniquely human neurological phenomenon. But most experts agree that it takes a certain synergy or chemistry between two people to trigger the cascade of hormones that produced the effect we call falling in love.

But if it’s true that it takes a certain special combination, how could it be that each of the multiple partners who enter a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD would have the exact chemical makeup to cause both to fall in love? With our present knowledge of the biology behind romantic love it seems highly improbable that her effect on each of these different partners could lead to this result.

Defying our understanding behind the chemistry of romance even further we will find that men all across the globe have reported that not only did they fall in love, but they fell much, much deeper than they ever imagined was possible with their partner with traits of BPD.

This effect of profoundly deep romantic love experienced by men of all different types should not by our normal understanding of human chemistry be possible. Yet anecdotal evidence seems to bear this out. Although this phenomenon may resemble a mass hallucination orchestrated by the woman with traits of BPD, the answer is actually much simpler.

To answer the riddle of how one woman can make so many different kinds of romantic partners fall in love with her we must turn our attention away from the chemistry of each of the men she falls for. We must instead put our attention on her unique ability to intuitively sense the kind of behaviors and qualities that her new love interest is looking for in a mate. Most of the time these are qualities that even he is unaware of.

Using an unusually strong aptitude in a very specific area, we will find that she is able to shape-shift into the woman who matches exactly the chemistry necessary for each of her different partners to fall in love. Although her ability may seem magical and almost mystical, the aptitude for understanding the deepest wishes of another person is not a superpower. It actually stems from an extraordinary sensitivity to the body language and nonverbal cues which we all have the capacity to tune into.

To put it simply, we all possess a character trait of sensitivity to the emotions of others. Women with traits of BPD just happen to possess a great deal more of it. This heightened sensitivity of tuning into others’ emotions can be observed as a common female personality trait. It is one of many bonding characteristics that most women possess that helps keep family and community well connected.

The personality trait of sensitivity to the feelings of others can be easily understood when we see it on a spectrum on which each of us has a place. We will find the average woman on one side of this spectrum with a strong aptitude for reading emotions. And we will find the average man on the other side with a weak aptitude for reading emotions.

But when we focus even more closely on the extreme ends of this spectrum we will find individuals with strong traits of BPD to be highly gifted at reading emotional cues on one side. We will find those individuals who are profoundly challenged in reading the emotions of others, often those with strong traits of autism, on the extreme other end of this spectrum.

Let’s now take a look at how the ability of a woman with traits of BPD to easily read the emotions of her partner can strongly influence the process of falling in love.

Mirroring Perfect Love

So how exactly does this ability to read other people’s emotions help women with traits of BPD get their romantic interest to fall in love with her? Although she is rarely aware of it, a woman with traits of BPD will be capable of reading the non-verbal cues of her potential partner well enough to be able to take on with extraordinary precision the identity of her partner’s ideal woman without him having to describe his dream woman to her in any way.

And with a strong presentation of the cluster of personality traits associated with BPD, she will have not only a wish to idealize love, but an obsession to try to materialize this clearly unattainable goal into reality. Her obsession with creating an all-consuming passion with any new partner will motivate her into not only fooling him but also fooling herself into believing she is his dream woman.

But there is yet another component to BPD-associated behavior that adds to the difficulty in questioning this illusion. Not only does the woman with traits of BPD mirror her partner’s ideal fantasies of her, she also reflects back to him his ideal fantasy of himself through her eyes.

Although she may not realize it consciously, somewhere deep inside she knows that if she is able to put on the perfect puppet show where he sees both her and himself in this highly idealized light, he will be willing to give her the extraordinary level of attention that she knows no ordinary relationship can offer.

But falling in love isn’t the only neurological change that takes place in one of these relationships. There is another set of feelings that can affect the couple which although very common in human beings is not often talked about. It is a feeling that often accompanies falling in love but also happens in some platonic types of relationships. The type of emotion we are going to be addressing next is one that could be labeled lifetime love. It may be the longest-lasting type of emotion that we see in human behavior.

The Feeling of Lifetime Love

So what exactly is the feeling of lifetime love? It’s a very difficult to describe the feeling of continual or stable bonding that we experience towards our loved ones. Lifetime love is similar to other forms of love in that unlike other emotions such as sadness, happiness or anger, love persists. Unlike those other fleeting emotions, once it kicks on lifetime love will usually persevere unless something happens that changes our global view of the object of our lifetime affection.

Falling out of lifetime love usually happens slowly after a series of relationship-eroding events but occasionally can happen after a dramatic event that permanently changes the person’s view of the loved one. But without an intervening event or erosion in the relationship, lifetime love can be so long-lasting that not even death will cause it to diminish.

When we examine the role that lifetime love plays in our lives we find that there seem to be two kinds of lifetime love that are part of the human experience, platonic and romantic. We know that people who take care of us when we are young and helpless can trigger a platonic form of this powerful emotion.

And the reverse is true as well. We also know that being entrusted with the longterm care of a helpless creature, whether it is our biological child, an adopted child or even a pet can trigger lifetime love. Lifetime love can also be triggered when we develop a longterm platonic relationship with another person, usually with the presence of some form two-way emotional dependency or a strong mentoring bond.

Interestingly enough, although it usually takes extended time to develop lifetime love there is one form of lifetime love that happens very quickly. We will find that lifetime love with a newborn may be switched on instantaneously for parents and even for those who are only extended relatives of the baby.

We have addressed lifetime love in its platonic form. Let’s now take a look at what causes the switch for lifetime romantic love to be turned on.

The Mechanics of Romantic Lifetime Love

So what are the actual mechanics of romantic lifetime love? We know that falling in love can hit us with so much intensity we really may experience it as a switch that has been turned on. But lifetime romantic love, with a few exceptions, tends to grow slowly. And if we fall in love at the same time that lifetime love is triggered, we may not even be aware of the emergence of the emotion of lifetime love until it is fully engaged.

The kinds of love that partners of women with traits of BPD usually experience is both lifetime love and falling in love. But the difference between this relationship and the average romance is the speed at which both emotional states develop. In relationships with women with traits of BPD both of these forms of love can be evoked much earlier than in the average relationship.

While there may be plenty of people who loudly pronounce a recent love interest to be “the one,” these feelings could be more accurately described as a premonition of lifetime love. Even in these cases it takes time for the chemical aspect of this form of bonding to kick in. But for partners of women with traits of BPD, the neurological switch that turns on lifetime love can happen almost as quickly as falling in love.

Interestingly enough, although the woman with traits of BPD is adept at unconsciously activating these chemical events in her partner, her own switch for lifetime love is rarely activated when she activates his. One of the most painful realizations for partners of women with traits of BPD is that she can walk away without a backwards glance despite their having committed to plans for a shared future.

However, the woman with traits of BPD does have an emotional switch for lifetime love, and occasionally she will find someone for whom she develops these feelings for. But sadly her switch for lifelong love will not reciprocally have turned on for the majority of the string of wounded men she has left behind.

So how exactly does the woman with traits of BPD go about evoking the feeling of lifetime love in virtually any person she develops a romantic bond with? The easiest way to understand what triggers these feelings during this type of relationship is to recognize that every feeling that a woman with traits of BPD brings out is present in her partner before he even meets her.

In other words, when it comes to lifetime love, women with traits of BPD do not create these feelings out of thin air. More accurately they tap into a deep level of emotions that each of us possesses. It is within this strata of subterranean emotions that both our deepest fears and our highest hopes for romantic love exist.

These two primal forces are present in all human beings, and they are responsible for both the euphoria and the misery that we all associate with romantic love. But the woman with traits of BPD’s deepest emotions are not hidden as they are with the rest of us. And because her highest hopes for romantic love are easily available to her, she finds it equally easy to tap into her partner’s hidden longings for perfect love.

Unfortunately her deepest fears are as close to the surface as her deepest hopes and dreams. And it is her easy access to her deepest fears and her ability to trigger his that in the end will doom the relationship. Without the understanding that the reality he thought he was sharing was for her nothing more than an unattainable dream, he will have a very hard time turning his switch for lifetime love off.

We are next going to take a look at what a woman with traits of BPD does that causes her partner to arrive at the conclusion that all of his boxes for a lifetime partner have been ticked.

Recognizing Your Perfect Partner

When we choose a lifetime partner, most of us have a mental checklist of what we are looking for. This list usually consists of criteria that falls into two categories. One category will tend to be the emotional qualities we are looking for in a partner. The other category will consist of the more practical criteria that we will need to join forces with our partner for a lifetime. We may not get all the qualities we want in a lifetime partner, but this list is a general blueprint of our needs.

Emotional qualities wished for in a lifetime partner tend to vary greatly from person to person. But the practical qualities usually reflect some very basic characteristics that anyone must possess in order to sustain a longtime partnership, whether romantic or not.

Although the woman with traits of BPD may excel, at least during the good times, at displaying wished-for emotional qualities, she is notoriously lacking in the practical qualities necessary for a longterm relationship. Her inability to take care of her own needs usually spills into the inability to contribute responsibly to the many shared activities present in a lifetime relationship.

What often happens in relationships with women with traits of BPD is she ends up ticking off more emotional boxes than most men knew they had. Her emotional impact on him can be so powerful that he will dismiss the fact that she may not have a history of stable relationships, may be unable to commit to a career or that her finances are in ruins.

By the time all of his emotional boxes are ticked the only thing he will be aware of is the great love he feels for her, love which by now he is convinced can get them through anything that life throws their way. What he will not realize is that despite what she says, his partner is not partaking in the chemical bonding process of lifetime love. And even worse, her experience of falling in love will be coming very close to its expiration date.

We have now discussed how the heightened sensitivity of empathy can lead a woman with traits of BPD to unconsciously create the illusion of a perfect woman for her partner so that she can get her partner to fulfill her extreme cravings for love and attention.

We have also seen how this woman can make herself irresistibly attractive by embodying everything she intuitively senses her partner wants. We have addressed her ability to successfully wipe the practical aspects of her partner’s checklist off the board while ticking off every emotional requirement he ever imagined.

But the final question which so many men struggle to answer is why her behaviors that should have told them to distance from the relationship instead somehow locked them even tighter into it. We are now going to look at a set of behaviors that are very commonly used by women with traits of BPD that has been observed as part of the human courtship dance throughout much of recorded history.

What we will find is that the cluster of traits which makes women susceptible to BPD also seems to endow them with a type of personality that will make her alluring to almost any potential suitor. We might say that she naturally possesses some of the qualities that men and women of all personality types find impossible to resist.

traits of BPD why did I fall so hard

BPD and the Art of Seduction

Interestingly enough, we will find that when examining qualities that human beings find the most alluring in the arena of romance, the qualities we desire are not the ones you would hope that the person you bring home to your parents possesses. In other words, our biology often overrides our sense of reason when it comes to romance.

As it turns out, the most alluring qualities found in both men and women are often contraindicated when it comes to choosing a partner for a healthy relationship. The first quality which should be in the con category but when it comes to seduction tends to be front and center in the pro category is deceptiveness.

Although we probably should be looking for someone honest and straightforward when choosing a lifetime partner, most of us can be easily seduced instead by the person who shrouds themselves in mystery, a very common behavioral pattern for those with traits of BPD who have very little sense of their identity and who may also have some pretty dark secrets to hide owing to lack of impulse control.

There is another somewhat unsavory characteristic that few of us may want to admit we are drawn to. Most of us know we should be looking for safety, security and emotional stability when we choose a lifelong partner, but despite knowing what’s best for us we often find ourselves drawn into the world created by the person who lives on the edge.

When it comes to romance, most people find any kind of strict rules of propriety to have a dampening effect. What human beings tend to crave in their romantic life is high emotionality which in a romantic context usually translates to passion and excitement. Women with traits of BPD with their aversion to boredom and their craving for intensity can easily play into a man’s instinctual preferences.

Women with traits of BPD tend to throw caution to the wind, which most people find exhilarating in a romantic context. This quality is often expressed in the bedroom. And for many men a sexual bond that is defined by a complete lack of boundaries is not only a fulfillment of their ultimate fantasy but can be heavily intoxicating and highly addictive.

But there is one more negative quality that when displayed ought to push us but instead often draws us in. As social creatures we have instinctual tendencies that help us bond. We usually think of bonding behaviors as positive impulses that help us connect. But bonding can also occur through negative impulses such as fear of abandonment.

We are all wired to fear abandonment to some extent. And there is no place we are more vulnerable to abandonment than in our romantic relationships. Interestingly enough, the quality that so many women with traits of BPD seem to possess that may allow a man to be more easily seduced than he would by the average woman is her expertise in eliciting his fear of rejection.

We will find that even the most confident and self-assured among us can have their sensitivity to abandonment triggered merely from the withdrawal of positive response from a person we love. What this means is our romantic partners can wield a significant source of power through simply withholding their approval.

A woman with traits of BPD in her desperate attempt to lock down her source of love and attention may play many games involving withholding affection or selective punishment. She may also engage in attempting to throw her partner off his center by creating jealousy and through the use of triangulation with others.

Through knocking her partner down a peg, she can convince him he is the problem in the relationship, not her. And unware that women with traits of BPD can conjure up negative qualities in men that do not exist and can create conflict out of thin air, many of these men end up attempting to fix themselves in order to save their relationship.

As you can now see, there are as many positive qualities to the woman with traits of BPD as there are negative qualities. But even without the list of alluring qualities and manipulative maneuvers we have covered so far, a woman with traits of BPD is capable of winning over even the wariest man through basic psychological stroking.

Women with traits of BPD are known to do whatever it takes to make their partner feel loved and adored. With a new partner she will do anything to make him feel completely seen, truly heard and above all extremely valued.

New partners may be constantly told they are the greatest, sexiest, smartest person that the woman with traits of BPD has ever been with. Similarly she may will be willing to solemnly promise that he will never be replaced and that their love will be eternal.

The average man is no match for a woman with traits of BPD, armed with this long list of qualities and behaviors perfectly designed to lock in even the most wary partner. However, understanding how these hidden traits made you fall in love in the first place can help you make the appropriate separations necessary to heal and move on with your life after one of these painful breakups.

Related Posts:

BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type

Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Breakups With Women With Traits of BPD – Five Misconceptions That Keep Men From Letting Go and Moving On

Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment

Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD

Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay

Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times

Note to Readers: Please keep in mind that I am not a psychologist or a therapist. Although the descriptions that I provide of women with traits of BPD have been obtained from those I have personally worked with, with the increased education about BPD these descriptions can now be found by anyone simply by reading through any of the forums for those in treatment for the negative behavior patterns associated with this disorder.

What makes my blog unique in the discussion about traits of BPD is the inclusion of a largely ignored set of universal human behavioral traits that play an important role in all kinds of interpersonal conflict. Although this cluster of traits has not been formally studied, I believe each one of us has more than enough experience just being human to be able to recognize the important role these character traits play in all of our lives.

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.

If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

Visit Joanna on Google+